: i'm a closet..

silence has been a blessing now a days; as my mind has always been on the wandering side of the spectrum. but tonight, my mind is wandering off to a place that has been so distant and buried, yet i know it's still there; something that i can't ever let go of because it was such a huge part of my life for so long.

the mirrors and the hard wood floors with bars on the back wall was what i lived for; i lived to dance. without dance i wasn't able to express any feeling i had. i would wake up in the morning and it was the first thing i would think about. i couldn't wait to see it, do it, feel it and surround myself with it. every emotion, thought and feeling i was enduring wouldn't be left at the door when i walked into the dance studio; but with me at all times. every movement i made was reflected upon what i was feeling; my mind never raced, i never "thought"; i just did. i could express my feelings thru movement; movement to which i grasped considerably well, but i didn't do it because i was good at it, i did it because i felt; within every step i took, i felt a feeling. it was how i got thru the good and bad days, it was my happy place. it was where i would go to express and to feel; with no words, just my heart and movement...i felt so many feelings, left so many feelings, and held on to so many feelings; bottom line, was that i felt something.

it hasn't been in my life for a very long time; although it's buried inside me. i have a hard time letting go of specific things, people, experiences that have made me felt some sort of feeling; and dance being the aspect of my life that has been buried for so long, because i can't seem to let it go. Inch-by-inch, piece-by-piece, it will eventually leave me; like a closet. things get buried in a closet, piles and piles form, and one day, inch by inch, everything needs to get out and eventually i need to let go. i just want to feel again. i am so scared to feel anything because everything i have ever felt any emotion towards i have lost; it's scary. knowing that you put your heart and soul into something so grand, and then all of a sudden it's gone; you can't get it back, so you hold on to what you did have and burry it so you have those memories with you. but in reality, why hold on to something that you will never get back? i have to let that sink into my head and take it with a huge grain of salt; because it's true. and yes, the truth hurts, but it's better to hurt a little bit from the truth then to hurt a whole lot from a hope that one day it's going to come back; that's called setting myself up for disappointment. it's as simple as this; i'm a closet, and it's time to let everything come out from being buried and realize that if i have survived this long without it, i will survive the rest of my life without it. i can't keep trying to fill this void, i have to suck it up, and get on with my life and leave the past in the past...

: my happening.

"what is your take on serendipity?" i was asked. the thought really never crossed my mind; if i believe in it, what it actually means and if it holds true to it's value of meaning. i found a plethora of meanings of the word "serendipity"; and it crossed my mind that perhaps the meaning does hold true to it's value, but i believe it only exists if you let it exist. when i think about it, everything in my life has been a desirable discovery by accident; i had a "life plan" since i was 16, and none of it has happened; therefore i could say that all the discoveries i have come across have been "accidents"; i haven't planned them. i cross paths with people that i don't plan on crossing with, and yet i find that those are the most desirable relationships i have. i can count on one hand how many times a "plan" occurred, and those were the least desirable in the end. and i can count on both hands and both feet how many times an "accident" occurred, that was so desirable i yearned for more. things don't happen because you want them to happen; things happen because you let them happen; you go with the flow in each breath you take, each smile you exchange and each kiss you indulge in. things happen the way they should; wether you want it to happen or not, it happens. what you'd like to call an "accident" is my "happening".