for so long i blamed this person, that person, his comment, her comment, this situation and that situation for leading me to the journey i am now; yes, all of those aspects of my life have somewhat led me to where i am now, but i now see how nobody else had control or the power to lead me here besides myself. the reason why i hit rock bottom, was that i let all of those aspects of my life get so deep within to which never surfaced, because i made it that way; i held on to things so deeply and buried them, i never wanted to look at myself, so i used others to mask my pain; i would literally look for any person who "needed" me, help them pick up their pieces, and in time that would mask every little emotion, thought and feeling that would start to surface. co-dependence much? yes; a huge flaw of mine, that has gotten me into trouble with others and most recently myself. co-dependencey is something that an individual can stop, when they start becoming aware of their tendencies, but once it gets past the first hump, it's all down hill; it's an addiction. it's a high. it made me feel better; even though in return, of my kind actions and puzzle piece pick up, i was treated more like a "mender" then anything els. to know that i didn't have time to let my life surface, made me feel so much better. i didn't want to look at myself; it was painful. the day it all hit rock bottom, and i was sitting in a bed, staring at the ceiling, i was thinking about all the red flags that god and the universe had thrown at me and i then asked myself "i know god wants me to be here right now, and he wouldn't have chosen this path for me if i couldn't handle it, but what did I do to get myself here?" the answer i came up with this time wasn't because "other people got me here, it's their fault"...it was "i did this, i put myself in those positions even though there were so many red flags. i buried it all." at this moment in time, i realized, i can't do this alone, it's time for me to seek the help from others instead of others seeking help from me.
i am grateful for this journey that has led me to where i am now; i have dealt with pain and suffering for so long, that it was time to let it surface and look at myself; even though it's uncomfortable, it's worth it. because what i was doing before, wasn't working. when the pain gets so bad, that's when it's time to change. i hope to carry the message that pain and suffering can turn into strength and happiness.
