: do you really care?

i often wonder if people;

ask how you are and what is wrong because they are nosey?
or
ask how you are and what is wrong because they genuinely care?


my guess is that it's 80% of people are nosey and the other % really care; because that other small % of people are usually the people who are really close to you. i know that for me, honesty, i am about 90-10. 90% of me cares and 10% of me has to be nosey in order to get the answers. but to tell you the truth, nobody gives a flying fuck how you really are. do you think that half the people you associate with really care about how you are? no. i can't tell you how many times i have been so low SO low that the person i try to reach out too isn't there; because they are so wrapped up in their life, which shows me that they just don't give a fuck.

a few months ago, i was dealing with a serious health problem; a few great friends weren't physically there for me, but were here and there for me when i needed them; which was great. i don't expect people to drop everything for me. there was a man in my life at the time who said he would be there and see me through everything i was going through; he was selfish. do you think he followed thru with any of what he said? no. because he didn't give a fuck. but there i am, sitting there wondering if he is ok, like a pathetic girl; because I CARED about him; when i should have been selfish just like him and focused on me. but i didn't. worst mistake of my life focusing on someone who doesn't give a flying shit about me and wasting all of my heart and thoughts on his well being. no matter how hard someone hurts me, i still will care for them down the road. but why? why should i waste my good heart on a piece of shit human being who is so selfish? because i am a girl who apparently needs some learning to do in the department of "don't associate with people who have their head stuck up their ass". i also look back at a time when the same thing happened and my best friend of 34309483094809438 years totally peaced out on me when i really needed her the most; she got married, her husband was a baseball player. i got dumped by my high school sweetheart; and she was nowhere to be found. i haven't talked to her since then. i often wonder if i will ever run into these selfish individuals in the near future; and if i do, i will politely give them a sweet toast and raise my middle finger. if they are lucky they might get the whole punch poured on them; a little taste of what my fist can do wouldn't hurt.

see how angry i get when these thoughts come up?? i just keep them going like butter sliding down the corn on the cob. once i start thinking about one thing, it goes to the next and the next and the next. then boom, i can't sleep because i have all these damn thoughts forming and running into each other that my brain is like a train track. piecing all the tracks together to try and make one story and one thought; but it never happens like that. my brain is falling off the tracks. all the thoughts are going crazy; and sooner or later these thoughts are going to lead to an explosion of anxiety. FUCK. why can't i stop thinking?? i sat in my thinking chair and i thought i was doing fine until a song came on that triggered the thought of caring or not caring, and then a convo i was having with my friend triggered it, and then bam, here i am getting pissed off at the ones who pissed me off. i have the right to be pissed. i have the right to say FUCK YOU [i wish you could read this] and i have the right to be mad. to be mad because everything you said was a lie. "i will always be there for you" LIE "no matter what, we will always be friends". LIE! LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE. don't say something if you don't think you can follow thru with it. because that gets someones hopes up. and in my case, my hopes were so up. i would wait by the phone hoping for a call, and it never came. everything leads to disappointment. i try so hard to make other people happy that i forget how to make myself happy; which i do now know that to make me happy is to not put the people who don't give a fuck about me the time of day in my brain. they shouldn't even be thought about. IF THEY DON'T CARE, THEN WHY SHOULD I. fuck the bastards that brought me down; to the person that took down my walls that i forever built so high so nobody would ever hurt me, FUCK YOU for ripping down my walls and then ripping down my heart. mainly, FUCK YOU for giving me hope.


anger.
anger.
anger.
anger.

anger.


do you really care? or are you just nosey?...to the person reading this [whoever you are] i hope you care. because i care.