: climb. fall. repeat.

how high is too high?
how big is too big?
how far will we go just to slip off the edge?
we all fall down; life takes us out.
the sky starts spinning when our heads get above the clouds;
the higher we fly the harder it feels when we hit the ground.
we all fall down.


we all are climbing the same mountain.
we all reach the top; our breath is taken away.
and than we are so high above life that we think nothing else matters;
eventually, we have to climb down the mountain because reality sets in;
you can only be in the clouds for so long until you have to fall;
fall back to the ground; reality.
but where do we find the courage to turn our life back around once hitting the ground?


simple answer; we are all in the same boat, on the same mountain, in the same race and in the same world; we are in this together. and you should realize that once you hit the ground, you find courage in yourself and other people; know that you aren't in this alone. don't be selfish. there isn't one person in this world who isn't striving for that one thing; that one thing that makes their life whole. me; i am climbing this mountain with you, walking beside you, looking for the same thing you are; realize that. realize that there are other people on this mountain with you; so don't forget about the other racers of life. we climb, we fall, we strive; together.

now, me; there is one thing at the top of my mountain that can make my life whole; love. yes, never thought i'd say it, but to be loved and love a man. to be married. to have a family. to have someone to come home too and share moments with. that's at the top of my mountain. within my mountain, my career fits in somewhere; but the most important part of my mountain is the top; and in order to get to the top, i have to keep on climbing and falling and climbing and falling; because i won't settle for anything less than what i deserve. so if i pick a bad root here and there, i climb, i fall. repeat. life is all about tests and trials, and if it doesn't work, so be it, i just get back up and start the climb all over again until one day i will pick a flower instead of a root; and with that flower will come the top of the mountain; my happy ending.

: eh.

i think it all boils down to the relationship that failed when i was younger; i never felt good enough.
now, i see my past relationship as a huge blessing, and i was far better to him than he was to me, more going for me,
but i was never treated how i should have been treated; and that made me feel like i wasn't good enough.

it all comes to the memories of the pastt; what someone has done to you in the past, affects how you are today. yes, i know, in my writing last night i did agree that i should be thankful for the life i have lived and all my accomplishments, but i still don't feel good enough.


nobody has told me ever that i wasn't good enough; but actions speak louder than words; to me at least.
a kiss, a handshake, a hug, a smile, a wink-you get it- can all mean something different; sometimes just happen because society gives off a notion that those are the things that should happen in an act of business, friendship, or just have relations with an individual. i know it has happened to me; manipulative gestures. makes you feel good at first right? but than something happens that can make all those feelings go away; betrayal. betrayal takes it corse, and BAM, for some reason it turns into the thought that "i am just not good enough"; reasoning behind that, to me, is because if somebody does something to betray me it means that there was something i was missing; i wasn't fully fulfilling that persons needs, wants, desires; therefore, i was not good enough.

no person has made me feel like that today, right this second, but for some strange reason, the thought that i am not good enough for this man i am dating is popping in my head. he is successful; his ex is even more successful; yet again, she is way older than i and him, but it intimidates me; very much so. she has 11 years on me, so i can say it is her age that is making her much more successful than i, but i have to say, i have never been in the situation where a mans ex is more successful than me; possibly because the guys i have dated aren't successful, therefore seek the woman who are on the same level as them; hm, not i am seeing that i should take his gestures into consideration; he is keeping me around eh?. but damnit, the thought that i am not good enough is just bombarding my brain. i see that perhaps i am trying to make an excuse to end this "relationship" before it gets too deep; i should jump while i am ahead. i don't want to get hurt. i always get hurt, so why set myself up? then there is the whole "you won't know until you try" cliche' that is true, yet i disagree somewhat; i have tried this, and i get hurt. i tried dating, it ends up as a fail; so why try? i don't want to get hurt.

: exception.

"you, you are an exception", were the words that came out of a fine gentleman's mouth; mm hm, to me.


am i really different from the rest of the women he has come across?
do i really have a good story that is worth the word "exception"?

i have never really given myself credit for the obstacles i have tackled and beaten. i have never told myself that i was proud of everything i have accomplished and yet to accomplish. for so long i haven't realized that what i am working my ass off for (to beat this game called "life" successfully while helping other people) is something to be proud of. when the word "exception" came out of his mouth, i started to list the reasons why i may be that exception, and with those reasons, came the reasons why i should be proud of myself. i hear it all the time, that i make my parents proud, my surrounding peers, society, everybody; everybody tells me they are proud of me, but i have never once told myself and patted myself on the back for everything i have tackled and accomplished. i believe that at that moment, was the moment i realized that i am the exception; i was once the lost soul who finally found herself; the exception. hope. grateful. those words, so powerful.

i would call myself hope; to the ones who think they are hitting rock bottom and there is no way up, there is hope.
i am living proof that there is hope. i am not saying my life is a harder battle; but of course, there is always someone fighting a harder battle. but what i am saying is that these obstacles i have been thru, were shit, they were fucking shit; i never thought i would find my way back to the top, but i did. i swam and swam until i saw the beach; so peaceful, brilliant, hopeful. at the moment i realized i needed help, was the moment that i started to swim. [rock bottom, swim, waves, the beach]...hope. i am living proof that there is hope that you will eventually swim to the beach and live a peaceful life with everything you can imagine at your fingertips.

grateful;, i would say i am beyond grateful for what i have been thru and the woman i have become because of it all. i hated going thru everything that was so negative and emotionally draining, but in the end, look at me, i am living. breathing. smiling.crying.laughing. everything; i am every emotion and feeling, and it's what i strive for; those feelings, thats what makes life. and i am so grateful for everything i have been thru and everyone who has been thru it with me; without it all, i wouldn't be me; and me, i am the exception.

: pain is happiness

“where there is light, there is always shadow” Jung

whether we choose to notice it or not, there is always some sort of shadow as happiness forms within our lives. , as humans we seek happiness as the ultimate state, and by seeking happiness, we are destined to be disappointed. And when we don’t have happiness, we don’t recognize that it’s not there; I mean who would? We all want to be happy. In the depths of your sorrow, you believe that there will never be another happy moment in your life. The pain hurts so bad, yet you feel as though happiness isn’t there; I hate to burst your bubble, all you individuals who are sinking in your own tears, happiness is right in front of your face. Let me give an example; home grown as a matter of fact;
for months and months I cried, and was so depressed because of a relationship that lasted so long, and trickled down to nothing even faster. The pain hurt so bad. It was like a knife stabbing my heart every which way possible; I thought id never be happy again and that the pain would never go away. I wanted happiness; little did I know that the loss of our relationship was the start to my happy new life because we broke up for a reason, the reason of him cheating on me, which yes it hurt, it hurt so bad, but in the end, happiness was rooting for me, happiness was looking out for me; happiness knew that in order for me to be happy, I had to feel a little pain first, and than, inch by inch, day by day, I got a little stronger and started to see the light; I realized that I should have been happy because I was let go from the worst relationship of my life, and I knew I deserved better; I was free. The light finally shined down on me, and in the shadows, very distant, I will always remember what got me to the happiness and satisfaction; pain.

No matter how many days go by and you’re still sad about something
that makes you believe that your life is going to be over;
it’s not over; you’re just starting.

: brain on simmer.

Cognitive behavioral therapy; ah yes, a therapeutic approach I often hear at least 4-5 times within an hour of class. CBT, a superb approach to “fixing” an individual; I prefer “talk therapy”, but hey, whatever gets the job done right? Although I prefer just me talking and somebody else listening, today I started CBT-insomnia therapy; a new approach that my “fixers” (I’d like to call my therapists that, sounds more realistic) are using to treat my insomnia. When my fixer started to tell me about this approach last week, I giggled; I giggled because I didn’t think there was much difference in any of the approaches that I am using, because insomnia to me isn’t something a behavior can just change, it has to do with the brain; mainly thoughts. My behavior isn’t stopping me from sleep, my brain is. But, after a whole 5 minutes really thinking about this approach, I decided to give in, and start my first CBT-insomnia session today.
How did it go you ask?...I have answers to my over questioned question of “what is REALLY stopping me from sleeping??”

My insomnia always begins with me falling asleep. I have been reading the same sentence for the past 30 minutes, the writing is getting very small, and I can feel my eyes shutting; they are getting so heavy; heavy like I am carrying dumbbells on my eyelids. All of sudden, my mind is stopped, for about a minute there is no thoughts, then, I am in awake mode again; my brain is rapidly moving with an ocean of thoughts. I am so disappointed that I can’t sleep; my eyelids are so heavy and my body is numb. I was so close, yet so far to a peaceful slumber and a mind full of sweet dreams. Bu as usual, my eyes are wide open and I am ready to take on the boredom. I am terrified of how tired I will be tomorrow, and the days to come.

Why did my brain wake itself up? I was looking forward to my potential slumber. I have never realized how my conscious goal, to fall asleep, causes me not to fall asleep; because my unconscious perverse brain checks up on me continually every so often to see if I am achieving my goal of falling asleep; therefore wakes me up, a lot. Its kind of like when you set your alarm before you go to sleep for an important meeting; and you continuously wake up every hour to check your clock because you know you have to wake up for something important; your unconscious brain is so aware of that worry you have of not waking up, that it will wake you up; it’s like your unconscious brain never goes to sleep; which I find so odd, but it kind of makes perfect sense. I go to bed worrying every night; worrying if I am going to be able to ever fall asleep, if I am going to drag ass the next day because I didn’t get any sleep or if I do get 2 hours of sleep, if I will have a problem getting out of bed; my mind is so aware of this worry that my brain really never stops. I wish I could explain this concept more, but it’s kind of hard to explain. But for some reason, the unexplainable is usually explainable. Isn’t that how it always goes? Every event that happens in your life is usually because you made it that way (unless it’s an illness you can’t control), but for some reason you are unsure why it happened, but can justify how. That is how I feel about this topic; I can’t explain why I can’t fall asleep, but I can justify the reason, or how come, it’s happening. There is a no difference between why and how, to me at least (I am sure some of you may argue, but opinions aren’t necessary). Why refers to what is the reason I am doing something and how come refers to why I am doing it. It seems as though why and how come fall behind each other; “I am doing this because I don’t want that”. Easy. Simple. I am not sleeping because my brain is telling me not too or I am not sleeping because I am a gal who really doesn’t want tomorrow to come? Which one is it? I would go with the first one. I am in full control of my thoughts to which are making my actions, of not sleeping, hard to come by. The action of falling asleep is not taking place because I am not letting my brain settle. So here it goes, I am letting my brain settle to a simmer and eventually my thoughts will evaporate.

: a wrong turn; turns into a good song.

when i was younger, i had this plan;
a plan to be married by 21, to have a career by 22 and to have children by 24.

i'm 24; never married, don't have a career (although i am in graduate school to have the career i want) and no children (besides my little 4 year old doggie who i treat as a child). looking back, i have to say that my plan never really was a plan ;it was just a turn on the road map; a turn that i decided not to take because another turn came before it to which made me have a slight detour; a good detour indeed i must say. yes, some of the turns were bumpy, scary and dramatic, but they were turns i had to make in order to get on the road that i am now. every bump in the road has made me who i am; every tear, scary thought and scar is the reason why i am standing here today. of course i am a bit disappointed that my "plan" didn't work out yet, but i would much rather be on the road i am now than a different road. this road is bumpy and scary; but what is life without a few tears and a few scary moments? i'd say you aren't livin if you aren't scared. if you aren't scared of what is going to happen next or scared of falling in love; you haven't lived life yet. because life is about getting hurt and learning from it and not knowing what is going to happen. if i lived everyday not scared of what was going to happen, than i'd say i might need to live life a little bit more; living life outside of your realm can make you scared, yet you never know what will happen because you are going against your grain. not being afraid to fall in love, means you have never loved. being scared to fall in love, means that you have loved; and being in love is the most beautiful thing anybody can ask for.

take the roads that mean the most.
take a wrong turn; it'll turn into a good song.
take the detour; the dead end will come &
slowly but surely your road map will be complete;
your life will be complete, just how you want it.