: eh.

i think it all boils down to the relationship that failed when i was younger; i never felt good enough.
now, i see my past relationship as a huge blessing, and i was far better to him than he was to me, more going for me,
but i was never treated how i should have been treated; and that made me feel like i wasn't good enough.

it all comes to the memories of the pastt; what someone has done to you in the past, affects how you are today. yes, i know, in my writing last night i did agree that i should be thankful for the life i have lived and all my accomplishments, but i still don't feel good enough.


nobody has told me ever that i wasn't good enough; but actions speak louder than words; to me at least.
a kiss, a handshake, a hug, a smile, a wink-you get it- can all mean something different; sometimes just happen because society gives off a notion that those are the things that should happen in an act of business, friendship, or just have relations with an individual. i know it has happened to me; manipulative gestures. makes you feel good at first right? but than something happens that can make all those feelings go away; betrayal. betrayal takes it corse, and BAM, for some reason it turns into the thought that "i am just not good enough"; reasoning behind that, to me, is because if somebody does something to betray me it means that there was something i was missing; i wasn't fully fulfilling that persons needs, wants, desires; therefore, i was not good enough.

no person has made me feel like that today, right this second, but for some strange reason, the thought that i am not good enough for this man i am dating is popping in my head. he is successful; his ex is even more successful; yet again, she is way older than i and him, but it intimidates me; very much so. she has 11 years on me, so i can say it is her age that is making her much more successful than i, but i have to say, i have never been in the situation where a mans ex is more successful than me; possibly because the guys i have dated aren't successful, therefore seek the woman who are on the same level as them; hm, not i am seeing that i should take his gestures into consideration; he is keeping me around eh?. but damnit, the thought that i am not good enough is just bombarding my brain. i see that perhaps i am trying to make an excuse to end this "relationship" before it gets too deep; i should jump while i am ahead. i don't want to get hurt. i always get hurt, so why set myself up? then there is the whole "you won't know until you try" cliche' that is true, yet i disagree somewhat; i have tried this, and i get hurt. i tried dating, it ends up as a fail; so why try? i don't want to get hurt.