: 2010...

as i look back on the past year; many obstacles i have been faced with, and i have jumped over each one, inch by inch, and realized everything i was doing wrong to make it all right. i still have yet to figure out the reasoning behind any obstacle i faced, but in time i will eventually find the answers, and when i do find those answers i will more than likely have a new set of obstacles to face. life is nothing without obstacles; life isn't ever smooth sailing. whoever said it was, hasn't lived. mistakes are made, lessons are learned, life will go on; but if i could change a few mistakes i have made prior to this i would. if i could go back in time and do something over i would; do it better then i did or make it better then it was. nothing is perfect, just like i am not perfect. to avoid a situation to which i could make a mistake, could be a mistake in itself. afraid of falling in love, of course i am; now if the man of my dreams met me today and i avoided the chance to talk to him because i was scared, that in itself is a mistake. avoidance; what i am good at. avoiding fear, hurt, pain, love, sorrow; it's what i have always done; avoid things that can hurt me. but i am a new girl with an open mind, and my new years resolution is to look fear dead in the face and not avoid it; because what i could be fearing could be something so amazing and i from now on do not want to miss out on something amazing.

DON'T; DON'T SETTLE.

I say it’s a close call; when it comes to settling and being alone.

An individual who settles does perhaps for a few reasons;
scared of being lonely, doesn’t think there is anybody better out there [settling for less than what they deserve] and also because maybe just maybe that person thinks their lover will change; settling for potential changes.
Being alone is a bit different, yet I feel can fall closely to settling;
Being lonely could perhaps be due to the fact that yes, the individual just doesn’t have anybody, but also because he/she WON’T settle for anything more then what they have because they are scared, which in turn makes that person lonely [the lack of what they want is missing, causing the void to be hollow]; Even when you settle for somebody, you could still be lonely because; that person isn’t filling the void that you need to feel less lonely, yet you still settle because you don’t want to feel anymore lonely then you already do.

It’s a cycle; like a deck of cards; lonely people settle, and it’s usually for a person they don’t deserve; we lonely people settle for what cards are dealt and handed to us; we don’t wait around for the next deck because we are lonely; then when those deck of cards turn out to be the shitty top of the card deck, we still settle, lonely, still lonely, waiting on the day another deck will be handed to us; finally, another deck is handed to us and we take those cards, because we miss the other ones, so we settle for them…we settle for what we are given, even if it’s shitty, we settle, because we don’t want to be alone.

Loneliness is something that I strive to get over and I am sure a lot of other people do as well. it’s only human to feel lonely; loneliness is a human condition, and nobody will ever fill that space. The only way it will be filled is by you, you are the only person who can fill that space, you are the only person who has control over your life.

The story of me: in a nutshell: i usually stick with a guy who treats me badly, yet i know I need to leave, but can’t because i feel as though their may not be anybody else out there, so I settle. settle for my comfort zone. i wait patiently for another deck of cards to be handed to me, yet it’s not coming as soon as I thought; so I still stay; i still take the pain, the emotional abuse, and the loneliness, and stay. I look like a fool. I realize that being lonely is better then settling for somebody who does give you what you need. I will not attach myself to anyone who shows me the least bit of attention because I’m lonely; no one will ever fill that space except me, so why settle for a man who doesn’t fill my voids and makes me happy, I will not settle anymore. I will only settle for what I deserve, and if that requires me to be lonely until I find him, then I will be lonely; and I will settle for me; for who I am, not who you want me to be. I am me; and I will settle for just that, me.