: love never leaves.

“I don't understand how I can know so little about love and how it works. How I can be so bad at it when it's all I've ever wanted. All I've ever known is about leaving or being left.”

my therapist told me to write you a letter, to tell you how i feel. that alone is embarrassing. i can see you sitting on the hood of your car, that's perfectly dented on the passenger side door, just sitting there with a cigarette between your fingers, shaking your head and taunting me; a fucking therapist told you to do this? really?

yes, i need a fucking therapist; i’m not like you- i can’t just hit a few balls at the driving range, drink beer and deal. i need to talk. most relationships are based upon talking and communicating, but ours was never like that. i bet i couldn't’t fill a one-subject notebook with all the words that passed between us while we were "together". yet we somehow knew more about each other than most people; like i know that you are scared of falling in love because of what your ex-girlfriend did to you; you go from one girl to another girl, to another girl- and you sabotage something so amazing because you are scared of just that-it being amazing. i was drawn to you like a drug and from the first night that we spent together i was hooked; i wanted more of you. you were the perfect escape and release from the mundane aspects of my reality. i put you on a pedestal; you sucked me into your world of chaos, that i was somehow intrigued by. i wanted to be part of your chaos; because my chaos wasn't enough anymore. you were far worse off than i was; but yet i was still somehow wanting more. for i saw the heart that was buried beneath the rubble. i wanted to dig up that heart and show you that it can be mended and that it could be used to it's fullest potential. i tried so hard with you; so hard that i lost sight of who i was. for months i would do what you wanted me to do, be who i knew you wanted me to be, jump when you said jump; because i thought that was how i was going to make you love me. you would tell me at times you loved me, you would show me at times you loved me; but you left me. when i needed you the most, you weren't there. you were the only person who could fix or ruin everything in an instant.

it's done. it's been done since the moment it started. how did it end? if i recall correctly it was me realizing your narcissistic sociopathic tendencies that was buried beneath your ever so ravishingly charm to which i was blinded by. you took my cry for help as a cue to run; that made me feel as though the words "i love you" that you uttered every once and a while were a lie; they were, because you left me. i don't believe that people leave others when they love; you did. i was shattered into a million little pieces and thought there was nothing in the world that could put me back together. but something did; i realized i deserved so much better than you and the pieces are slowly beginning to reassemble.

: old me. new me.

"you don’t always have to pretend to be strong, there is no need to prove all the time that everything is going well. you shouldn't’t be concerned about what other people are thinking, cry if you need to, it’s good to cry out all your tears. because only then you will be able to smile again. sometimes, its okay to fall apart"




my insides never matched my outsides; even if i was falling apart at the seams, i would put on this show as if everything in my life was "perfect", when in reality everything was falling apart. people would ask me, "how are you always smiling?"; it was simple- i was a great actress. and at times, jack and jameson were my cast mates. it's simple to act as someone you're not- which, in the case of me, i would act as if my life was beyond my wildest dreams; i repressed, suffocated and buried everything in my life that was making me miserable. acting along side of jack and jameson, helped me forget who i was, and helped me pretend i was someone i wasn't; the "wasn't" me girl had everything mapped out; everything was always going the way she wanted- it made other people happy. her happiness and ambition rubbed off on others, and when the others needed to be guided into the direction to which they wanted to head in, she would drop everything she was doing to help them; co dependence. it'd help her forget, again, who she really was. the "real" me girl, would stay up all night crying, punching anything that would come in contact with her fist, drinking because the pain was so bad, cursing at God because she felt like he was never on her side. at times, when she was lonely and the alcohol wasn't filling that void anymore, she would act out sexually to feel close to someone, because in the past, everyone she has ever been close to has left her; so what more can a girl to do feel close to someone- get intimate. the "real" me girl eventually hit rock bottom; waking up in a psych ward with tubes down her throat, restraints on her wrists, doctors telling her "you died on the table"...led me to treatment. that was me, that was the real me; broken, desperate and fragile.

there has always been a 2 version me; one that i never let anybody see because i didn't want to feel judged, humiliated, embarrassed or unaccepted. and another one that i let everybody see because i felt accepted and everybody seemed to want what i had; which was a lie in itself-- if my surrounding peers knew who i really was-a depressed, anxious, scared, mortified alcoholic with no self worth or confidence, i'm pretty sure they wouldn't want that.

it wasn't until i went to treatment after my mental breakdown, that i realized all of this and started to find out who i really was; for so long i tried to be someone i wasn't; because i was scared of rejection. i learned that the more i pretend i'm someone i'm not and keep running from the repressed memories that i endured, i will never be who i want to be. who i want to be, and who i am now, is a girl who is sober, who doesn't care if people judge her because she is sober or the fact that yes, she has had several mental breakdowns which has caused her to act out in certain ways. i'm a girl who isn't scared of rejection because of my flaws or faults, because i'm me, and to me, to finally be ME, is all that matters. for so long i was pretending to be this glorious girl, who never cried, who was never sad- and now, i cry when i want to cry, i fall apart when my seams are about to break and i smile when the time calls for it. faking it till you make it, just wasn't working out for me anymore; as you can see, i faked it for so long that it led me to hit rock bottom. the more you hold on to someone your not, the more you are capable of ruining your life even more. so today, i am me; always me. if i'm sad, i'll show you sad, if i'm happy, i'll show you happy- i don't need to act with jack and jameson as my cast mates- i can be me, all alone, and fully embrace this skin i'm in.