my insides never matched my outsides; even if i was falling apart at the seams, i would put on this show as if everything in my life was "perfect", when in reality everything was falling apart. people would ask me, "how are you always smiling?"; it was simple- i was a great actress. and at times, jack and jameson were my cast mates. it's simple to act as someone you're not- which, in the case of me, i would act as if my life was beyond my wildest dreams; i repressed, suffocated and buried everything in my life that was making me miserable. acting along side of jack and jameson, helped me forget who i was, and helped me pretend i was someone i wasn't; the "wasn't" me girl had everything mapped out; everything was always going the way she wanted- it made other people happy. her happiness and ambition rubbed off on others, and when the others needed to be guided into the direction to which they wanted to head in, she would drop everything she was doing to help them; co dependence. it'd help her forget, again, who she really was. the "real" me girl, would stay up all night crying, punching anything that would come in contact with her fist, drinking because the pain was so bad, cursing at God because she felt like he was never on her side. at times, when she was lonely and the alcohol wasn't filling that void anymore, she would act out sexually to feel close to someone, because in the past, everyone she has ever been close to has left her; so what more can a girl to do feel close to someone- get intimate. the "real" me girl eventually hit rock bottom; waking up in a psych ward with tubes down her throat, restraints on her wrists, doctors telling her "you died on the table"...led me to treatment. that was me, that was the real me; broken, desperate and fragile.
there has always been a 2 version me; one that i never let anybody see because i didn't want to feel judged, humiliated, embarrassed or unaccepted. and another one that i let everybody see because i felt accepted and everybody seemed to want what i had; which was a lie in itself-- if my surrounding peers knew who i really was-a depressed, anxious, scared, mortified alcoholic with no self worth or confidence, i'm pretty sure they wouldn't want that.
it wasn't until i went to treatment after my mental breakdown, that i realized all of this and started to find out who i really was; for so long i tried to be someone i wasn't; because i was scared of rejection. i learned that the more i pretend i'm someone i'm not and keep running from the repressed memories that i endured, i will never be who i want to be. who i want to be, and who i am now, is a girl who is sober, who doesn't care if people judge her because she is sober or the fact that yes, she has had several mental breakdowns which has caused her to act out in certain ways. i'm a girl who isn't scared of rejection because of my flaws or faults, because i'm me, and to me, to finally be ME, is all that matters. for so long i was pretending to be this glorious girl, who never cried, who was never sad- and now, i cry when i want to cry, i fall apart when my seams are about to break and i smile when the time calls for it. faking it till you make it, just wasn't working out for me anymore; as you can see, i faked it for so long that it led me to hit rock bottom. the more you hold on to someone your not, the more you are capable of ruining your life even more. so today, i am me; always me. if i'm sad, i'll show you sad, if i'm happy, i'll show you happy- i don't need to act with jack and jameson as my cast mates- i can be me, all alone, and fully embrace this skin i'm in.
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