"What do you think has to do with the fact that you can't sleep?" asks my sleep doctor- whom isn't just any sleep doctor, he goes above and beyond one of those typical "hypnosis" sleep doctors. I reply with a smart ass comment such as "Well, if I knew what was making me not sleep, I would change it". Well..I should have known that he can outdo my smart ass remarks-it's hard for me to find a doctor who can out smart my comments. He replies with "Well, that is why you are here- so we can find the underlying meaning to why you can't sleep- and then we can change it. I think first things first, you have to change your attitude". Blah,Blah,Blah went thru my head. Enough with the crazy talk and give me some medicine that can help me sleep was all I though the first time I met with him- not that easy. Wow, a normal doctor who doesn't just write a script out for medicine- who woulda thought?...We start talking about the thoughts in my mind before I fall asleep [if I EVER fall asleep]. This is how it all came out of my mouth;
My thoughts before bed...aren't thoughts, they are mainly memories that I wish was still partaking in my life so I could have HAPPY HAPPY thoughts before bed, because I always believe that thinking of those past happy memories before bed make you a happy person when you wake up. When I start thinking about my happy memories it slowly but surely leads into the fact that those happy memories aren't in my life anymore, because the people who I made those happy memories with aren't in my life anymore; friends, ex boyfriends, bla bla bla. Then flowing into all that crazy talk, comes the reasons to why those people aren't in my life anymore.
Example; Ex boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me and then married the gal-how does that make me feel? that I can never trust a man ever again. Which I have had a few relationships after him, those ended, for what reasons?...one guy said he was madly in love with me, so I freaked out and broke up with him. Now I cant trust myself to get into a relationship and not freak out on a guys feelings. Another guy "needed space" for unknown reasons I wish I knew because having no closure really really takes a toll on my thoughts. My friend, who's name I shall keep confidential, who I grew up with when I was 6years old until about 21 years old; she got married, started PA school, and because I wasn't married or in PA school, she dropped me like a fly. I learned from that relationship that no matter how close you are with somebody something somewhere is going to break you apart- so there we go again, fears.
It never came to my mind how negative my "happy memory" tactic was. I just like those past happy memories, but now the way I finally see it, if those memories and people who are in them, aren't in my life anymore, then why should I bother remembering....
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