: the choices you made are the reason why you are here...

at the end of the night, i question to why am i here; the position i am in, the situations i am in and literally, why am i here?
there is a reason for everything i believe, but sometimes i get impatient because i want to know the reasons right away; which in time i know the reasons, but not knowing right now, sucks. that's where patience comes in. it's a virtue that i chose to live by. in time, my patience will diminish because i eventually find the reasons to why things happen the way they do.

and for every question i have ever asked about why this is happening, why i am here, why am i not there? is the same answer i am the one who controls the outcomes of all situations in my life; there is no such thing as "it happened for a reason", but there is such a thing called "it happened because of you". you put yourself in situations, you get out of situations. you move on from those situations to which you learned from and hopefully realize that the choices you previously made are the reasons why you are here.

a little bit of disclosing will be taking place right about...now;

i recently struggled with a few set backs in life, which caused me to start drinking a littttle bit more than i should have been, mainly to numb the feeling of what i was going thru. i then found myself getting a bit outta hand on the weekends with my girlfriends, which ended up me having no money, and no recollection of the night. i was at a loss of words and i felt like i let down myself down because i am working in a field where i am to teach coping skills, and i myself should have been aware of the coping skills that are out there to help me cope; but i took a different route and just wanted to feel numb. i didn't think that a few drinks would lead to anything but a bad hangover. but it was more than just a bad hangover; it was bad. bad for me to use alcohol as a coping skill to make me numb from what i was trying not to feel. after a while, i kept asking myself how i got to this point. i kept blaming it literally on the alcohol, but then i realized that i am the one who got myself here and now i am the one who has to get myself out. to get myself out, i had to stop drinking. i had to start feeling the grief process without any mind altering substance and i also had to learn how to cope with my life without any alcohol. i took all of that, all of those things that needed to be done in order for me to get out of the drain i was in; and i did it. i stopped drinking, felt the pain, felt the sorrow, and felt the happiness after all those emotions were gone. i felt. i wasn't numb anymore. being numb was me running away from my problems; but facing my problems was the best thing i could have done in a long time. facing them, dealing with them, coping with them properly, was breathtaking. i was finally at ease knowing that i don't need a mind altering substance to numb me; because i don't need to be numbed. i need to feel. feel the pain, feel the sorrow, and love every minute of those feelings because those feelings made me who i am today, made the choices i made today, and those choices in turn are the reason why i am here today.


always remember that the choices you made are the reason why you are here.