: firsts...

there is a first for everything; so they say.
but there are a few firsts for me that will always, even without thinking about it, that i will always remember.


the first time-& only time; relationship wise-i ever said "i love you" to a guy; i have had many guy friends in my life that i have loved dearly, but have only had one boyfriend that i have ever said that magical phrase to. ever since that relationship vanished into thin air, i haven't ever used that phrase again-in terms with being in a relationship. those words are too strong and meaningful to throw out loosely; i feel as though people now a days just say it to say it, and there is no "meaning" behind it. i often wonder what it would feel like to love like that again; that feeling seems to have gotten lost because i haven't found the one man that leaves me smiling when i wake up; which is how i know i am in love.

the first time i cried, not because i was sad, but because something was beautiful; ever see or hear something so beautiful that it made you cry? for me, that's a sense of overwhelmingness; i was so overwhelmed by the beauty of two people falling in love in front of my eyes, that i didn't know what other emotion or feeling to endure, therefore tears naturally rolled down my cheeks. to witness what us as human beings are naturally here on this earth for made me happy; happy to know that somewhere this beauty exists.

the first time i got scared; i'd say there is no first for that; from what i can remember; i believe i am scared all the time. i am naturally scared of getting into any sort of relationship because i am scared of getting hurt. i can't remember the last time i wasn't stabbed in the back or got my "heart broken". i am a wall; and if you are the one to break these walls, i'd say we both win.

the first time i said "no"; well, for the record, i WAS a "yes" girl. i would say yes to everything; because i would always try to do what made other people happy; forget about me feeling miserable, it's was always about YOU and YOUR feelings. A few months ago that started to change. I started to see that when i kept saying yes to certain things that i knew would make me feel miserable, that it just didn't turn out so well. i think we can all put out heads in the gutter right now and make the assumption that the first time i said "no" was when....i shouldn't have to go into detail for this one; men are pigs. and when i find one that isn't, maybe i'll share how he "swept me off my feet".

the first time i was speechless; somebody told me that "i deserved better". simple as that make me speechless. why? because it was a realization for me that i did and do and always will deserve better.

the first time my breath was taken away; has yet to happen...