: pain.

when you give somebody your all, and then it's shoved back in your face, how does it make you feel? less worthy of yourself? that you aren't good enough?.. all of the above? how can somebody be so blind to the fact that they could have something so good, yet disregard that thought? is the thought disregarded because that person doesn't want to get hurt? or is the thought disregarded because it isn't even remotely thought about? i remember at times i would disregard the thought of being with somebody who was so great because i didn't want to get hurt, but i can't recall not ever thinking about having a potential relationship with somebody who was so great. thoughts shouldn't be disregarded, in my own opinion. after all, thoughts happen for a reason; so you have a notion of what you want or don't want.

maybe individuals really do disregard their feelings and burry them because they don't want to get hurt; but in the end, aren't you already hurting yourself when you burry your feelings and thoughts? because you aren't being honest and truthful with yourself. i'd say that the "burry my thoughts and feelings" persona has "i am hurting myself" written all over it. as humans we feel that burring our feelings may help us feel less pain, but in reality, the more you burry, the more pain. i've learned recently that holding on to a certain feeling and not speaking my mind in regards to it, hurts me. literally, my heart, mind, soul, body aches from not letting it out. and it took me a while to get this one thought and feeling out, but once it was out, i felt powerful. it's all about being honest and gaining back that power you once lost from that deep hole that you burry your thoughts in.

thoughts and emotions should never be disregarded; even if it takes days, months, or years, always act on them one way or another, or you will constantly live in emotional pain.

: cry.

this is going to be a shit show of a blog; all over the place. what else is new?

a huge chapter of my life just closed, and i began a new one. i am now employed; for school is no longer running my life, which i don't find comfort in one bit. this whole aspect of change has thrown me thru a loop and i find myself (for the past 5 days) crying myself to sleep at night because it's the only emotion i know how to follow thru with right now; it's not like crying is going to help me adjust to my new life, it just helps my get whatever i am feeling out of me. i have no idea why i am really crying, but it comes out like the flood gates opened up in the heavens. maybe it's because i have so much going on in this head of mine; i am overwhelmed by the thought of what is ahead, i am lonely; eating dinner and ice cream alone, sleeping alone, being alone in general gets old after a while-i wish i had somebody to share things with, i hate change; going from school full time to a job full time is just freaking me out; i am adjusting to work, but not the concept that when i get home at night i have nothing to do besides..nothing. maybe it's the whole boredom thing? because when i am bored i start to think, and thinking leads to over analyzing. so i start over analyzing every little detail of my day, the people i interact with or didn't interact with and then BAM; my mind is out of control with so many thoughts that i just start to cry because there is nothing else to do besides cry.

last night i was thinking about how 2 times in a row i was ditched. i sat around waiting for hours, like a fucking pathetic loser waiting for the phone call, never happened; i over analyzed this situation and came to the assumption that i did something wrong; but i know i didn't because there wasn't a chance to do anything wrong; that meaning this "thing" i have with this person isn't being reciprocated; it's all me, all the time, doing, doing doing. what person wouldn't want the other person to do all the time?..i don't see any wrong in that. so my conclusion; i did nothing wrong. so why was i ditched? over analyzing taking place RIGHT NOW.

this blog has no point really; i just had to write down how i was feeling. mine as well post it to the world eh? no harm in it. how does one adjust to change?..it's all in time right? for now, i shall just cry.

: what a horrid question...

"why aren't you engaged yet? you're getting old." says a so called friend whom i wanted to punch in the face after asking me that question.


well let's see, shall i go down the list? no, because it's not worth it, and it's as simple as this; i don't need to be engaged, nor have a significant other to be happy. i'm happy by myself, living my life. and if mr.right rolls up one day in the midst of it all, then that's fanfriggintastic. but really, is 25 years old too old to not be engaged? is there a rule that you have to be married by a certain age? is there a memo floating around that says "YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED BY 25?"..because i didn't get that memo. what i do in my life, is MY life. yes, i would love to have someone to share these great moments with that occur in my life, but i'm not going to dwell over the fact that i'm single at age 25; do you know how many couples i know that are miserable with each other, yet are still dilly dallying in their relationships because they are "scared" of being alone; eh, i think i said this before; in those kinds of relationships, where one doesn't reciprocate, you are alone. the grass isn't always greener on the other side my friends; i can't sit here and say that marriage is wonderful because i have never been married, but from what i see, it's a lot of fucking hard work and sometimes drama filled; so to the friend who asked me why i am not engaged yet, here is a little advice for you; why don't you worry about your relationship and start realizing that not everybody is on the same page as you. amen.