: cry.

this is going to be a shit show of a blog; all over the place. what else is new?

a huge chapter of my life just closed, and i began a new one. i am now employed; for school is no longer running my life, which i don't find comfort in one bit. this whole aspect of change has thrown me thru a loop and i find myself (for the past 5 days) crying myself to sleep at night because it's the only emotion i know how to follow thru with right now; it's not like crying is going to help me adjust to my new life, it just helps my get whatever i am feeling out of me. i have no idea why i am really crying, but it comes out like the flood gates opened up in the heavens. maybe it's because i have so much going on in this head of mine; i am overwhelmed by the thought of what is ahead, i am lonely; eating dinner and ice cream alone, sleeping alone, being alone in general gets old after a while-i wish i had somebody to share things with, i hate change; going from school full time to a job full time is just freaking me out; i am adjusting to work, but not the concept that when i get home at night i have nothing to do besides..nothing. maybe it's the whole boredom thing? because when i am bored i start to think, and thinking leads to over analyzing. so i start over analyzing every little detail of my day, the people i interact with or didn't interact with and then BAM; my mind is out of control with so many thoughts that i just start to cry because there is nothing else to do besides cry.

last night i was thinking about how 2 times in a row i was ditched. i sat around waiting for hours, like a fucking pathetic loser waiting for the phone call, never happened; i over analyzed this situation and came to the assumption that i did something wrong; but i know i didn't because there wasn't a chance to do anything wrong; that meaning this "thing" i have with this person isn't being reciprocated; it's all me, all the time, doing, doing doing. what person wouldn't want the other person to do all the time?..i don't see any wrong in that. so my conclusion; i did nothing wrong. so why was i ditched? over analyzing taking place RIGHT NOW.

this blog has no point really; i just had to write down how i was feeling. mine as well post it to the world eh? no harm in it. how does one adjust to change?..it's all in time right? for now, i shall just cry.