: love never leaves.

“I don't understand how I can know so little about love and how it works. How I can be so bad at it when it's all I've ever wanted. All I've ever known is about leaving or being left.”

my therapist told me to write you a letter, to tell you how i feel. that alone is embarrassing. i can see you sitting on the hood of your car, that's perfectly dented on the passenger side door, just sitting there with a cigarette between your fingers, shaking your head and taunting me; a fucking therapist told you to do this? really?

yes, i need a fucking therapist; i’m not like you- i can’t just hit a few balls at the driving range, drink beer and deal. i need to talk. most relationships are based upon talking and communicating, but ours was never like that. i bet i couldn't’t fill a one-subject notebook with all the words that passed between us while we were "together". yet we somehow knew more about each other than most people; like i know that you are scared of falling in love because of what your ex-girlfriend did to you; you go from one girl to another girl, to another girl- and you sabotage something so amazing because you are scared of just that-it being amazing. i was drawn to you like a drug and from the first night that we spent together i was hooked; i wanted more of you. you were the perfect escape and release from the mundane aspects of my reality. i put you on a pedestal; you sucked me into your world of chaos, that i was somehow intrigued by. i wanted to be part of your chaos; because my chaos wasn't enough anymore. you were far worse off than i was; but yet i was still somehow wanting more. for i saw the heart that was buried beneath the rubble. i wanted to dig up that heart and show you that it can be mended and that it could be used to it's fullest potential. i tried so hard with you; so hard that i lost sight of who i was. for months i would do what you wanted me to do, be who i knew you wanted me to be, jump when you said jump; because i thought that was how i was going to make you love me. you would tell me at times you loved me, you would show me at times you loved me; but you left me. when i needed you the most, you weren't there. you were the only person who could fix or ruin everything in an instant.

it's done. it's been done since the moment it started. how did it end? if i recall correctly it was me realizing your narcissistic sociopathic tendencies that was buried beneath your ever so ravishingly charm to which i was blinded by. you took my cry for help as a cue to run; that made me feel as though the words "i love you" that you uttered every once and a while were a lie; they were, because you left me. i don't believe that people leave others when they love; you did. i was shattered into a million little pieces and thought there was nothing in the world that could put me back together. but something did; i realized i deserved so much better than you and the pieces are slowly beginning to reassemble.

: old me. new me.

"you don’t always have to pretend to be strong, there is no need to prove all the time that everything is going well. you shouldn't’t be concerned about what other people are thinking, cry if you need to, it’s good to cry out all your tears. because only then you will be able to smile again. sometimes, its okay to fall apart"




my insides never matched my outsides; even if i was falling apart at the seams, i would put on this show as if everything in my life was "perfect", when in reality everything was falling apart. people would ask me, "how are you always smiling?"; it was simple- i was a great actress. and at times, jack and jameson were my cast mates. it's simple to act as someone you're not- which, in the case of me, i would act as if my life was beyond my wildest dreams; i repressed, suffocated and buried everything in my life that was making me miserable. acting along side of jack and jameson, helped me forget who i was, and helped me pretend i was someone i wasn't; the "wasn't" me girl had everything mapped out; everything was always going the way she wanted- it made other people happy. her happiness and ambition rubbed off on others, and when the others needed to be guided into the direction to which they wanted to head in, she would drop everything she was doing to help them; co dependence. it'd help her forget, again, who she really was. the "real" me girl, would stay up all night crying, punching anything that would come in contact with her fist, drinking because the pain was so bad, cursing at God because she felt like he was never on her side. at times, when she was lonely and the alcohol wasn't filling that void anymore, she would act out sexually to feel close to someone, because in the past, everyone she has ever been close to has left her; so what more can a girl to do feel close to someone- get intimate. the "real" me girl eventually hit rock bottom; waking up in a psych ward with tubes down her throat, restraints on her wrists, doctors telling her "you died on the table"...led me to treatment. that was me, that was the real me; broken, desperate and fragile.

there has always been a 2 version me; one that i never let anybody see because i didn't want to feel judged, humiliated, embarrassed or unaccepted. and another one that i let everybody see because i felt accepted and everybody seemed to want what i had; which was a lie in itself-- if my surrounding peers knew who i really was-a depressed, anxious, scared, mortified alcoholic with no self worth or confidence, i'm pretty sure they wouldn't want that.

it wasn't until i went to treatment after my mental breakdown, that i realized all of this and started to find out who i really was; for so long i tried to be someone i wasn't; because i was scared of rejection. i learned that the more i pretend i'm someone i'm not and keep running from the repressed memories that i endured, i will never be who i want to be. who i want to be, and who i am now, is a girl who is sober, who doesn't care if people judge her because she is sober or the fact that yes, she has had several mental breakdowns which has caused her to act out in certain ways. i'm a girl who isn't scared of rejection because of my flaws or faults, because i'm me, and to me, to finally be ME, is all that matters. for so long i was pretending to be this glorious girl, who never cried, who was never sad- and now, i cry when i want to cry, i fall apart when my seams are about to break and i smile when the time calls for it. faking it till you make it, just wasn't working out for me anymore; as you can see, i faked it for so long that it led me to hit rock bottom. the more you hold on to someone your not, the more you are capable of ruining your life even more. so today, i am me; always me. if i'm sad, i'll show you sad, if i'm happy, i'll show you happy- i don't need to act with jack and jameson as my cast mates- i can be me, all alone, and fully embrace this skin i'm in.

: pain leads to happiness.

for so long i blamed this person, that person, his comment, her comment, this situation and that situation for leading me to the journey i am now; yes, all of those aspects of my life have somewhat led me to where i am now, but i now see how nobody else had control or the power to lead me here besides myself. the reason why i hit rock bottom, was that i let all of those aspects of my life get so deep within to which never surfaced, because i made it that way; i held on to things so deeply and buried them, i never wanted to look at myself, so i used others to mask my pain; i would literally look for any person who "needed" me, help them pick up their pieces, and in time that would mask every little emotion, thought and feeling that would start to surface. co-dependence much? yes; a huge flaw of mine, that has gotten me into trouble with others and most recently myself. co-dependencey is something that an individual can stop, when they start becoming aware of their tendencies, but once it gets past the first hump, it's all down hill; it's an addiction. it's a high. it made me feel better; even though in return, of my kind actions and puzzle piece pick up, i was treated more like a "mender" then anything els. to know that i didn't have time to let my life surface, made me feel so much better. i didn't want to look at myself; it was painful. the day it all hit rock bottom, and i was sitting in a bed, staring at the ceiling, i was thinking about all the red flags that god and the universe had thrown at me and i then asked myself "i know god wants me to be here right now, and he wouldn't have chosen this path for me if i couldn't handle it, but what did I do to get myself here?" the answer i came up with this time wasn't because "other people got me here, it's their fault"...it was "i did this, i put myself in those positions even though there were so many red flags. i buried it all." at this moment in time, i realized, i can't do this alone, it's time for me to seek the help from others instead of others seeking help from me.

i am grateful for this journey that has led me to where i am now; i have dealt with pain and suffering for so long, that it was time to let it surface and look at myself; even though it's uncomfortable, it's worth it. because what i was doing before, wasn't working. when the pain gets so bad, that's when it's time to change. i hope to carry the message that pain and suffering can turn into strength and happiness.

: i'm sorry.

I kept you so close because I didn’t want you to leave me; because everybody in my life that I was ever close to has left me. I am sorry if I pushed you away because of that. I am sorry if I scared you that night; but it was me calling out for help. You were my best friend and you’ll always be my best friend.

: an angel.

people come in and out of our lives for a reason; some may leave a dent that is positive and some may leave one that is negative; either way a dent is a dent and a person is a person; with that being said, i am grateful for every person i have came encounter with; some have made me cry, some have made me hate them, some have made me love, some have made me let my guard down; but today i realized that the most important person in my life is me; and today is the first day of MY brand new life. i will no longer live for others nor put another person before me.


you know who you are; you saved me.

: thoughts

within the past week, i have been jobless, and going from full time graduate school, to a full time job for a few months, to now being jobless has taken a toll on my mind; i have way too much time to think, to over analyze, to pick apart what i'm doing wrong in life, to pick apart the past, bla bla bla; you follow my drift. i still don't have the strength and power to control my thoughts-they get out of hand sometimes. i will find myself over analyzing a situation, that is so clear, for hours upon end, to realize that i just waisted my time over analyzing a situation that was clearer then broad daylight and there was no changing the situation. i have struggled for so long, finding ways to "shoo away" the thoughts in my head that don't need to be there, but for some reason, they always come back to me; like a bee seeking honey.

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves"

i find this quote to be true; if i think that i am going to be miserable because i don't have a job, i will turn into a miserable person because my thoughts will take over and i will slowly but surely start to become what i think. it is a revolving door. one must stop their thought process if it's going to affect who they are in a negative sense before it gets to the point where they have no idea how to get out of the hole. it's hard to shift a negative thought to a positive thought, because individuals are often times so blinded by the negativity in their life that they forget to see the positive in the situation, which can frame positive thoughts. so what i have been working on, is with every negative thought that comes to my mind, for instance "i am not good enough for him", i change it around so it sounds positive, i rationalize it, "i am good enough for him, he just isn't the right one". see how that works? just because a man doesn't want me, doesn't mean that i am not good enough, it just means that he perhaps isn't the right one. let's try another one "i will never find a job again"..."i will find a job, it just takes time, i should be grateful that i am not at my past job because i was miserable"--look at the positive in the situation of being jobless, you aren't working like a slave where you weren't appreciated. seems easy...takes a lot of practice. but i think that within every negative there is a positive, so i myself am going to work some more on changing my negative thoughts into positive; after all, who wants to become what we think? not i.

: appreciation.

i know it's the middle of the day when i am writing this, no insomnia is taking place during the day, although i am awake, so maybe?...

most recently, i have been taking life by the horns, or at least trying to; so much is crashing down on me at once, and my thoughts are out of control that sometimes i find myself thinking "did that just happen or is that a thought?" most of you might say "what kind of drugs is this girl on?? is she hallucinating?", indeed i am not. it's called "thought takeover" (more technical term could be used, but i will save you the time because you'd have to google it), when your thoughts are coming in from every angle and you find yourself so wrapped up in them that you lose touch of reality. there is no possible way for me to live in the present moment when i have thoughts that intertwine with the past, present and future all coming at me like my brain is the ground and the thoughts are a meteoroid. i preach everyday to live in the present, but somehow, i can't practice it. it's true that we all are our own worst enemies; i wish at times i could make truce with myself; it's a constant battle for me to ever be content.

i still have yet to come to terms with the fact that people are in it for themselves and just because i go out of my way for others, doesn't mean that they will for me; for some strange reason, i feel as though one day i am going to wake up and feel appreciated by those people i do good for, but it's not going to happen, if it hasn't already happened, it's not going too. that's when my faith starts to deteriorate; i lose faith in myself and others, i feel like i am doing something wrong because i am not getting appreciated (verbally). i feel as though so many individuals don't take the time to thank the people, situations or their higher power while fighting to get to their destination because they don't stop to see the reality of how it's all unfolding; yes we are all in control of what is going to happen in our lives, we can either go right or go left, but without the help of others or a higher power, nothing will happen. we are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way. appreciation is a wonderful feeling that a lot of individuals overlook. although many curve balls are being thrown at me right now, there hasn't been one day that i haven't said "thank you"; thank you to my higher power and to you.