: appreciation.

i know it's the middle of the day when i am writing this, no insomnia is taking place during the day, although i am awake, so maybe?...

most recently, i have been taking life by the horns, or at least trying to; so much is crashing down on me at once, and my thoughts are out of control that sometimes i find myself thinking "did that just happen or is that a thought?" most of you might say "what kind of drugs is this girl on?? is she hallucinating?", indeed i am not. it's called "thought takeover" (more technical term could be used, but i will save you the time because you'd have to google it), when your thoughts are coming in from every angle and you find yourself so wrapped up in them that you lose touch of reality. there is no possible way for me to live in the present moment when i have thoughts that intertwine with the past, present and future all coming at me like my brain is the ground and the thoughts are a meteoroid. i preach everyday to live in the present, but somehow, i can't practice it. it's true that we all are our own worst enemies; i wish at times i could make truce with myself; it's a constant battle for me to ever be content.

i still have yet to come to terms with the fact that people are in it for themselves and just because i go out of my way for others, doesn't mean that they will for me; for some strange reason, i feel as though one day i am going to wake up and feel appreciated by those people i do good for, but it's not going to happen, if it hasn't already happened, it's not going too. that's when my faith starts to deteriorate; i lose faith in myself and others, i feel like i am doing something wrong because i am not getting appreciated (verbally). i feel as though so many individuals don't take the time to thank the people, situations or their higher power while fighting to get to their destination because they don't stop to see the reality of how it's all unfolding; yes we are all in control of what is going to happen in our lives, we can either go right or go left, but without the help of others or a higher power, nothing will happen. we are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way. appreciation is a wonderful feeling that a lot of individuals overlook. although many curve balls are being thrown at me right now, there hasn't been one day that i haven't said "thank you"; thank you to my higher power and to you.