today was a day of goodness at the sleep doctor. i came to terms with the fact that this is a serious problem, and yesyesyes the underlying reason is in fact what i thought- thoughts. I asked my doctor how to stop my thoughts, of course it's due to the fact of underlying anxiety problems i have, which i really never came to terms with. but doc helped me figure that out today. if only i could get that under control then my thoughts would be under control. when i am busy, i don't have a thought in my mind- at all- just living in the moment- but when i go to lay my head down, because i am "bored", my eyes so heavy and body so tired, my mind doesn't rest. i feel as though when there is spare time in my life is when it's sleep time, and because of that thought period of time i have between my head and my pillow-CAUSES NO SLEEP.
as i stare at the wall, a soothing beachy feel to this room in which i am residing in for the night, i feel as though my thoughts are wondering to the feeling of guilt. not guilty because i have done something wrong, but guilty for letting myself get this far without taking control of what it really is that has been causing this sleep problem; dependency on other people to get me to sleep.i have always had a last phone call of the night, a person to lay in bed with, my family surrounding me, voices of the dogs barking in the hallway, the laughter of my family in the other room- all in all always put me to sleep- i don't live at home, i live alone [well sorta] and find myself missing that soothing feeling of having someone else "put me to sleep". especially a man. not in a sexual way, but just the sound of a mans voice or the touch while laying in bed, is so comforting and soothing to me. knowing i have someone there to protect me and be there for me is something i yearn for- i depend so much on other people to make me happy [SLEEP=HAPPINESS] that because i was so use to that, and now i don't have it, gets to me. another thought that leaks thru my brain.
sleep deprivation causes stress anxiety tweakish like acts...mal nourished..drained..all in the body...
yet my mind has no form of drainage.
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