: BREAK MY WALL.

this stupid thought that i have in my head that is causing me to stay up past my "bedtime" is as follows:

every 1.5 seconds there are 2 more lonely people; a break up.
every 1.2 seconds there are 2 more connected people; love.
every 1 second there are 2 more people who are unsure; torn from loving or running.

me; i'm running. iv'e always been a runner. i have always been the girl who fucks things up just to have a break up; because i am so scared of falling in love with someone; the past has guarded me from love and letting my walls down. i find that it could be a blessing in disguise, because i save myself from hurt; but in all reality, perhaps it's a bad thing. a man puts himself out there, gives me all the admiration that any girl would want, but i can't seem to get it thru my head that perhaps this man could be so perfect for me, yet so wrong..but it feels so right. i'm lonely; the city of angels isn't even lonely. i ask myself if this is love; when i can't go a second without thinking about this person; is that love? i don't know what love is because i have never been so deep into a relationship to go thru the "steps" of love and love and live in the moment. so i don't know if what i am experiencing now is love or just the obsessed thought of how i would love the emotion love to be; or maybe i am caught up in the thought of finding love. ah hell, lets be real. i can fall in love with this guy; drop of a hat, in love. but what's stopping me? it's wrong. why would i want to put myself in a potential heartbreaking situation and relive what i have relived many many many of times; heartache. who wants to cry everyday for months and months straight because of a heartbreak. maybe i am not cut out to ever be in love, to ever try and make a relationship work. my wall is up, and i don't know when it will ever be down. i want it to break, i want to go away, but i am scared. fuck. i'm going to be lonely forever if this damn wall stays up. but all i know is that the thought of falling in love with him, is beautiful.