i was talking with a friend of mine; and i told her to get some rest. she said she couldn't because she had insomnia.
now, of course, i'm no expert on insomnia; because if i was i'd sleep. but i then told her that the reason why she has insomnia is because she thinks she can't sleep; for whatever underlying reasons why she can't seem to sleep i am unsure of. but at that moment when i told her that, i realized that it could be true. maybe part of my anxiety is that i won't be able to sleep, therefore i don't sleep. maybe it's all in my head and there is no valid reason to why i can't sleep.
ramble time:
i see my sleep doctor tomorrow; good good good, but bad all at the same time. bad because i wish i was never in the position to see a sleep doctor in the first place. good good good because he helps me realize things i never would be able to realize on my own. do i take his advice? most of the time i do for a while, then i just get back into my old habits; something i need to work on. it takes time; time runs out. but one day i will get where i need to be.
thoughts on the thoughts i am having now:
i am thinking what someone told me today; a very smart intelligent man told me that i need to take care of myself before others, which i agree fully with, but in the field i am in; social work, how could i possibly try to take care of myself before people in need? everybody is fighting a harder battle then i am, and i just want to help each person that i come in contact with who needs it; go above and beyond to help them. when in all reality, i should always try to help myself first. don't get me wrong, insomnia with a form of depression and anxiety added to it is a serious problem that i have to go through throughout my daily life, but come on, there are more serious cases out there that need help; and i would much rather "go to bed" knowing that i helped someone and changed a persons life rather then "go to bed" knowing that i was selfish and helped myself first. i just can't seem to be selfish. i could careless about how many hours of sleep i didn't get or how many times a day i cry and why i cried, i just care about the person who is in front of me who needs someone to help them get out of the gutter and see the sky.
ramble..nonsense time AGAIN:
this stupid little pill called "ambien" is sitting here looking at me saying "swallow me swallow me you need to sleep", but fuck, i don't want to take it; my body is already tormented by the physical abuse of no sleep, gym, not eating well, always on the go, stupid happy pills- and now and then a cocktail or too, so i can sometimes sleep; why do i have to take something else that is going to ruin my body?..i know it will help me sleep, but why can't i just have a natural sleep pattern without any form of medication?...normal people sleep; maybe i am not normal? oh hell, i am normal. we all are normal. but who and what defined normal?..who fucking distinguished the difference between abnormal and normal?...hell, i learned that today in my psychopathology class, but to be honest, it went in one ear and out the other; why you ask?..because i didn't agree with any of it. i believe that we all have different behaviors that classify us as "abnormal" to society, but in all reality, we are all normal because we all have different ways of living; the way i live can be different from the way you live, so you'd more then likely call that abnormal right? ...nope, it's NORMAL to be different. it's normal to deal with things differently then most people. it's normal to be a human being with feelings and emotions; so the next time you are diagnosed with depression because you have been crying for months everyday, all day, know that you aren't abnormal; it's normal to have feelings and emotions that are caused by outside factors of life; you're not crazy. you are normal. you are a human being.
stop trying to live your life for other people and live your life for yourself.
do what makes you happy and do what makes you feel right.
who cares what other people think.
who cares who isn't there for you anymore; they were never your friends anyway.
love the person who loves you back; and hate the person who never loved you back.
don't live a lie; this is your one life.
get lost, and find your way back; you'll learn from the path you took to get back home.
cry if you want to cry; laugh even if it's inappropriate.
you are a human being; and you are entitled to the feelings you have and the behaviors you do.
live learn love.
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