as i listen to silence, i suddenly hear and feel my heart beat so strong, so fast, almost like it's going to burst. no thoughts.
is it because my mind isn't racing 20 mph that i can hear and feel my heart? or is it because i'm about to have an anxiety attack?
bring it on anxiety attack, if thats whats going to happen; in the case of an anxiety attack, we battle, and the anxiety usually wins, but i'm going to try real hard to get this mother fucker in and out; it's like a demon that doesn't ever want to go away; that was a bit much comparing a demon to anxiety, but in all honestly, my anxiety attacks are quick and fast, i am a miserable person when anxiety attacks full force; i go from being a sweet angel to some sort of friggin demon woman who wants to punch somebody in the face or maybe punch myself in the face because my heart is beating so fast, tears are rolling down my eyes, i can't breathe, i can't talk; not because i can't literally talk, i just don't want to talk; so i yell. yell pretty loud into my pillow, elevate my blood pressure a bit more. ah, the sounds of my heart beating so fast is unbearable. this sound makes me more anxious and irritated. deep breaths deep breaths; meditation.
meditation; love hate relationship.
after that anxiety attacked, i realized i had one because there was nothing what so ever going on in my brain; i had no single thought. my brain, isn't use to that; i'm not use to that; it scared me. i got scared that i wasn't feeling any emotion anymore because i didn't have a thought. but as i meditated and thought about what could have triggered the anxiety attack, it was simple; no thoughts triggered my anxiety attack. which i'd like to elaborate more on to why no thoughts would be the trigger; i am not one to be happy about being out of my comfort zone. new zones scare me; having no thoughts was a new zone for me, it scared me, which in turn caused me to freak out.now we have another underlying reason for everything under the sun; dani doesn't like being out of her box, once out of her box, all hell will break loose and emotions will come following, and finally, atlas, back in the comfort zone of having a thought and an emotion. comfort zone; emotions, thinking. outside the zone; no thoughts. new zone; anxiety attack along with a side of emotions and thoughts. who wins? the anxiety attack. i'm weak;maybe i need to be blessed for the fact that my mind wasn't racing with thoughts; but it scares me. so weak you can break me.
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