: " i understand".

i have spilt my heart, thoughts and soul out to many therapists, friends and family members plenty of times.

some therapists used the words "i can see where you're coming from." [bad therapist!]
some friends used the words "i totally understand!"
and some family members used the words "i know what you're going thru."

in all honesty, i think those individuals should have just said "i have no idea what the hell you are going thru", and leave it at that.
it erks me inside when somebody says to me those phrases, because THEY DON'T KNOW what i, he, she or it is going thru, unless they lived it. and none of those people who have ever said those words to me, has ever lived what i have lived thru. i am not saying i have lived thru the worst situations on the planet, but be realistic, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THRU, because, YOU HAVEN'T GONE THRU IT! don't get me wrong, i am fully grateful for individuals who have been there for me, but i'm 110% positive that if you said to me that you had no idea what the hell i was going thru, i really wouldn't mind.

i am always careful to what i say when a person is venting to me. if i have lived thru it, i usually say "from my experience in that type of situation (disclose the situation that is usually the same as their situation)", if i don't understand i say "i don't understand you're situation, but maybe you can tell me more about it" (something like that) and if i don't know what you're going thru, i say "i can't imagine what you're going thru..". it's a little bit of a common sense factor when it comes to this; don't preach what you haven't lived thru, don't make a person feel as though everybody has lived in their situation by using those phrases and don't ever make a person feel like their situation is minimal; i say that because when those words are said to me, i feel as though either;

1) the person who i am disclosing my thoughts too doesn't really care about what i am saying because they aren't really trying to understand. the words "i understand", aren't too helpful and kind of beating around the bush; it should be more like "i don't understand, so let's try to push this under the bus because i really don't know what else to say."
2) the person isn't really in tune with honesty; be honest, you have never lived in my situation, just be honest; i already know you haven't lived thru my situation, so the thought of me knowing you haven't lived thru it and knowing that you haven't and you are sitting there to my face telling me you understand, makes you look like a lying idiot; i don't normally judge, buuuuut perhaps in this case i do. you are an idiot for thinking that your lies would settle with me as the truth.
3) the person is speechless and has nothing better to say than those famous phrases. (yes, speechless is a sense of awe; but why waste your words?)

oh my list is just endless, but perhaps this list really isn't important; what is important is that whenever you tell somebody your story and they say they understand; they really don't, unless they have lived thru it.