: my doctor saves me

today was a day of goodness at the sleep doctor. i came to terms with the fact that this is a serious problem, and yesyesyes the underlying reason is in fact what i thought- thoughts. I asked my doctor how to stop my thoughts, of course it's due to the fact of underlying anxiety problems i have, which i really never came to terms with. but doc helped me figure that out today. if only i could get that under control then my thoughts would be under control. when i am busy, i don't have a thought in my mind- at all- just living in the moment- but when i go to lay my head down, because i am "bored", my eyes so heavy and body so tired, my mind doesn't rest. i feel as though when there is spare time in my life is when it's sleep time, and because of that thought period of time i have between my head and my pillow-CAUSES NO SLEEP.

as i stare at the wall, a soothing beachy feel to this room in which i am residing in for the night, i feel as though my thoughts are wondering to the feeling of guilt. not guilty because i have done something wrong, but guilty for letting myself get this far without taking control of what it really is that has been causing this sleep problem; dependency on other people to get me to sleep.i have always had a last phone call of the night, a person to lay in bed with, my family surrounding me, voices of the dogs barking in the hallway, the laughter of my family in the other room- all in all always put me to sleep- i don't live at home, i live alone [well sorta] and find myself missing that soothing feeling of having someone else "put me to sleep". especially a man. not in a sexual way, but just the sound of a mans voice or the touch while laying in bed, is so comforting and soothing to me. knowing i have someone there to protect me and be there for me is something i yearn for- i depend so much on other people to make me happy [SLEEP=HAPPINESS] that because i was so use to that, and now i don't have it, gets to me. another thought that leaks thru my brain.

sleep deprivation causes stress anxiety tweakish like acts...mal nourished..drained..all in the body...


yet my mind has no form of drainage.

: running around leaving scars.

scars.
scars.
burned.
wall.
scars.


those words are in my mind, right now, as the thought if sleep is non existent. the scars are still there, from heartbreaks. not from just men, but girls too- friends, friend breakups are what i like to call them. burned, burned by so many. yet, they are the first people i think about before bed. again, why do i do this? maybe because i want closure. closure from what i thought would have been life long relationships and friendships with people who don't even believe that i am here on earth. ties are broken, a wall is built. i wonder if i will be able to let anybody in ever again. a big part of this no sleeping thing, i think personally has come to this:

my mind stops me from peace.
peace is found in sleep.
peace isn't often found in the
daily grind of life...
in order to find peace, i need sleep...
because sleep is the only time that
thoughts aren't constantly invading ones mind.

one thought leads to another, and another and another and another.
then the thought leads to panic, anxiety, stress...all of those factors
of life that we as humans try to block out.

block out? BLOCK OUT? i wish i could go a minute without having a thought of anything...even the thought of shopping, lifes simple pleasures, or even ice cream..i love ice cream...but to have no thoughts, would be superb. peaceful. i want peace. i wonder if i have to find peace in myself, literally, before i have no thoughts? no thoughts so i can sleep peacefully.

this blog sucks today- my mind is all over the place...but it's evidence that this is why i can't sleep.
RACING.
RACING.
RACING.
RACING.
THOUGHTS.....

i will leave it at this: if there is one thing i would like to think about before bed, it wouldn't be a man, it wouldn't be about a person, it would be nothing.

: a speechless life...

I haven't written in a while- maybe it's do to the fact that insomnia has been a tough subject for me to project about. I hear people tell me how they had a great night sleep, or how they had an incredible dream- I get jealous because I don't sleep and I don't dream- and if I do, for the hour that I do sleep, it's a nightmare- who wants to have nightmares? I believe that life, sometimes is a nightmare, so why would I want to dream of horrible things? Sometimes I'd rather not sleep, for that hour that I do sometimes, because in all reality nightmares suck..they suck. So vivid, so clear. I wonder if they have meaning to them? I know they do- but what is the underlying meaning of nightmares?....


Stress.
Alone.
Distractions.
Life.
Thoughts.
....get in the way of sleep. I often wonder how to calm my brain down from thinking certain things, how to feel less lonely, how to not get caught up in life so I can sleep...the doctor says that all the above reasons are why I am not sleeping- but how am I suppose to get over these factors that are causing me not to sleep?....how does a girl feel less lonely at night when there isn't "a last phone call of the night" or someone to kiss goodnight?...how do I not think about the utmost nonimportant stress in my life?...HOW? HOW? HOW?...


I want answers. and I want them now.

: happy memories turn into negative thoughts...

"What do you think has to do with the fact that you can't sleep?" asks my sleep doctor- whom isn't just any sleep doctor, he goes above and beyond one of those typical "hypnosis" sleep doctors. I reply with a smart ass comment such as "Well, if I knew what was making me not sleep, I would change it". Well..I should have known that he can outdo my smart ass remarks-it's hard for me to find a doctor who can out smart my comments. He replies with "Well, that is why you are here- so we can find the underlying meaning to why you can't sleep- and then we can change it. I think first things first, you have to change your attitude". Blah,Blah,Blah went thru my head. Enough with the crazy talk and give me some medicine that can help me sleep was all I though the first time I met with him- not that easy. Wow, a normal doctor who doesn't just write a script out for medicine- who woulda thought?...We start talking about the thoughts in my mind before I fall asleep [if I EVER fall asleep]. This is how it all came out of my mouth;


My thoughts before bed...aren't thoughts, they are mainly memories that I wish was still partaking in my life so I could have HAPPY HAPPY thoughts before bed, because I always believe that thinking of those past happy memories before bed make you a happy person when you wake up. When I start thinking about my happy memories it slowly but surely leads into the fact that those happy memories aren't in my life anymore, because the people who I made those happy memories with aren't in my life anymore; friends, ex boyfriends, bla bla bla. Then flowing into all that crazy talk, comes the reasons to why those people aren't in my life anymore.

Example; Ex boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me and then married the gal-how does that make me feel? that I can never trust a man ever again. Which I have had a few relationships after him, those ended, for what reasons?...one guy said he was madly in love with me, so I freaked out and broke up with him. Now I cant trust myself to get into a relationship and not freak out on a guys feelings. Another guy "needed space" for unknown reasons I wish I knew because having no closure really really takes a toll on my thoughts. My friend, who's name I shall keep confidential, who I grew up with when I was 6years old until about 21 years old; she got married, started PA school, and because I wasn't married or in PA school, she dropped me like a fly. I learned from that relationship that no matter how close you are with somebody something somewhere is going to break you apart- so there we go again, fears.


It never came to my mind how negative my "happy memory" tactic was. I just like those past happy memories, but now the way I finally see it, if those memories and people who are in them, aren't in my life anymore, then why should I bother remembering....

: NiGHT OWL...

It has come to this;
insomnia.
Thoughts constantly enter my mind;
perhaps it's what causes me to never enter
the world of sleep, dreams, REM.
The back of my eyelids are only seen when I blink;
if blinking was considered sleeping, i'd be set.
The thought of laying down makes me cringe;
I won't be able to sleep. I will waste my time laying
down, while I could be getting things done; but
what do I have to get done?
Life.
Life is what needs to be done; not over with, just
done; lived.
But I wonder what is to do when life has been lived;
or at least I feel like I have lived a lot more then
the average person whom is my age.
But insomnia?
Never would I have thought that I would be
thinking about writing a diary of my insomniac self.
But here it goes....