: new chapter.

the chapter "i don't know what the fuck i want to do with my life" closed about 2 years ago when i got accepted into the graduate program at FAU. it's funny how things happen, when you don't plan them. i remember i woke up one morning and said to myself "i want to go to graduate school". graduate school it was. i was accepted at FAU within 2 weeks of applying, and i went with it. looking back i remember thinking "what the hell am i getting myself into?" and now all i am thinking is "i got myself into something real good". the feeling i have is so surreal that i sometimes wonder if i am living in a dream world; but i'm not. this is my reality and i made it that way and couldn't be happier. for the past 2 years i have learned not only about the profession of social work but i have learned more about myself then i could ever imagine. i wouldn't trade the last 2 years for anything; to think i wanted to be married by now, boggles my mind. it was all part of my "master plan", to be married by 25 and perhaps start a family like the rest of the 25 and above year olds i know; but i wouldn't be where i am today if i had all of that. and that's not even important to me anymore. yes, i would love to have someone to share these special moments with, but i finally realized it's not about what others are doing, it's about what I'M doing. the past chapters in my life are closing, and i am starting a new one and there isn't a day that i won't look back and be grateful for those horrible chapters that some people may see as being "brutal" chapters. all the nervous breakdowns, sleepless nights, heartache, depression, bumps, bruisies and crying all led me to where i am now.

to the chapters that were "brutal", i thank you for molding me into a strong, dedicated and focused woman. to the master plan that never happened, i thank you for not happening. to the individuals who never left my side thru it all, i thank you for accepting my flaws and weaknesses, for you are a piece of what kept me going. to the ones who i met while taking this bumpy ride, i thank you for being part of it all. and to the past 2 years; i couldn't thank you enough for the opportunities you have given me. it's time to close this chapter and start a new one, but i will never forget you nor forget what you molded me into. you have given me hope; for i now know it's possible to wake up everyday and love life. i am ready to help others, for the past 2 years i have helped myself; so bring it on new chapters, i'm ready for you. <3

: wall of dani; DOWNNNNN.

there is this "thing" that i like to call "the wall of dani"; which is constructed like the wall of china. it guards my heart and my mind from anything and everyone. more recently however, i have been realizing that if i don't let my guard down, at all, i am shit out of luck on living. 9 times out of 10, every opportunity i have been given, mostly with men, i have missed out on because i walk around with massive armor on because i am scared shitless of getting hurt. well FUCK THAT SHIT. i cannot do that anymore. i have realized that i am hurting myself more by guarding myself. and so what if i let my guard down and get hurt? isn't there some saying that you learn from every experience? so, i'll roll with a few punches, learn from it, and move on. simple as that.


amen.
now let YOUR guard down.

: what do men want?

i often wonder what men want; but i guess it depends on the type of man right? in general though, what do men really want? i feel as though it's always about a woman who is good in bed- because let's face it, studies have proven that the deal breaker for any relationship is if a woman is good in bed or not. but besides sex, what else does a man want? men don't really make it clear on what they are actually looking for in a woman.

randomly speaking; of course no man wants a woman who isn't motivated or goal oriented, but often times i see the woman who doesn't carry any of those traits, getting the "ideal" man. ideal man to me meaning; head on straight. i often wonder how a woman who posesses no positive traits can get a man with such idealness. is it because the man wants the woman who makes him feel better about himself? because if she doesn't have her shit together and he does, it makes him feel like he is "the shit"?...i think i am 88% positive that i'm correct on this one.

...but again, what do men really want? because for so long, i thought i had it all figured out; cook, clean, sex, give, let him do what he wants, don't ask questions, give, sex, repeat. (that's the abbreviated list) um, yeah, that hasn't worked for me, so i am stumped to know what else there is to do to make a man happy? maybe i just have no game? or maybe i don't set me standards up high enough to where a man will appreciate all those things i do for him..maybe that's it.. maybe iiiiiiii am the problem; not the guy, me. maybe i really do know what men want, i just can't find a guy who appreciates all i have to offer. i think i just hit the nail on the head...

: you sadist.

i was talking with a friend tonight, to which i look up to; he has just the perfect amount of insight that has me leaving with an "aha" moment. we started getting into something that has been bothering me for the past 6 months now; rumors.

rumors start, let me re phrase, rumors are made about people in order for the person who started the rumor to feel better about themselves; some people get off on seeing other people miserable, which brings them to the point where they are starting the most absurd rumors ever imaginable. now the person who is starting the rumor, i would call a sadist, gets off on inflicting pain on others and lives off of chaos. i am a bit guilty of living off chaos, because it has always been in my life, therefore i find comfort in some of the most chaotic situations, but that's besides the point. i'm talking rumors were started about me, that ruined everything for me; ruined a job, ruined relationships with my fellow colleagues, ruined a friendship, and even ruined my life so to say for a short while. when rumors start around here in this little town, they tend to grow into the craziest shit, and once it's time to tackle those rumors, it's me against the rumors; and let's just say i don't win. it's a sad thing when a girl like me has her head on correctly and tightly and rumors are spread, assumptions are made, yet the people who are being believed are the ones who started the rumors. these individuals who have started the rumors, are very bright individuals, bright in a sense that they can manipulate the fuck out of any person they come in contact with; therefore, dani vs rumors is a loss for me. life's a fucking shit show and i am just getting shit on left and right while everyone is sitting back watching it.

: deserve.

my memory has flashed back to a time when i was looking out the window at a stoplight and i saw a little girl on the side of the road with a sign that said "my mommy did nothing to deserve this". at first i was angry at the fact that her mother more than likely made her write that on the sign and than i realized that she was right; perhaps she didn't deserve such an extreme measure of circumstances to her actions or lack there.

in all honesty though, i think "deserve" is such a loaded word. many of us, if not all, don't deserve the opportunities that are handed to us. instead of saying to ourselves "we deserved that!" or "i don't deserve this!", why don't we ask ourselves "well, now that iv'e got it, what am i going to do with it?". now instead of dwelling on something because you "don't deserve it", why don't you put the notion in your head that "it's happening, so i should just go with it and do something with it" because 9 times out of 10 you will come out on top and learn something from the experience anyways. so, don't dwell on the things that you think you don't deserve or do deserve, because it's happening in the present; do something with it.

: iNSOMNIA FULL FORCE!

so i haven't slept for 24 hours (i woke up at 9am on tuesday, and haven't slept since, it's now 9am wednesday).

i know the exact reasons why i haven't slept; and there is no control over these reasons. if i had control over any of them, then i would be fixing them like i fix everything else; i am graduating in 14 days with my masters degree in social work- and am jobless-i can't fix that-i can try to get a job, which i have been for the past 2 months. the fact that i will potentially be jobless for a few weeks or even months after graduation is freaking me the fuck out. mainly because i have worked so hard for the past 2 years to get thru this masters program and to come out alive and on top, i'd say that i deserve a job right away (yeah, i'm cocky for one second of my life, so what?); but i know the world doesn't work like that does it? more so it works like this; your classmate sitting next to you who has barely passed the classes and skated thru the program will more than likely get a job before you do; because that's how the world works; it's unfairly portioned. nothing is ever fair.

do you think it's fair that a girl gets a job because she "messed around" with the CEO of the company? not fair. her credentials aren't what the company needs, but of course, her credentials don't seem to matter; what matters here is how far her legs can spread. she is what i'd like to call a cuntbag. [excuse my french, but ey, she deserves it].

i feel like my life is out of control right now- that one aspect of it-being jobless, just sounds so dirty and so horrible; i cringe every time i have to re apply for the same job via career builder; i stalk every agency i applied for and so far, i've got NOTHING. so i am told to "wait patiently". alright, listen, if you were about to graduate would you wait patiently? no, i don't think you would. meh!! this blog is pointless because there is no initial point i am trying to make- well besides that i am FREAKING OUT- but i am still going to post it anyway. i am sure tonight when i can't sleep again you will get a hell of a lot more of wordage out of me; unless my brain is still going a mile a second regarding my freaking out stance of not having a job!

: ess.ee.ex.

sex is not proof of being loved;
sex is not proof of loving someone;
sex is not proof of being attractive;
sex doesn't make anyone important;
sex doesn't cure problems;
sex is not a nurture; and sex is not insurance against abandonment,
even if you're terrific in bed

a topic of conversation today; sex. when is sex not a topic of conversation throughout the day? it's not uncommon for a woman to talk freely about her sex life or lack there of now a days. i believe strongly that sex is just sex; it's simple and it's natural. but individuals at times may use sex to fill a void in their lives. the underlying need for something isn't filled, therefore individuals may use sex to fill that need that is not being met. what i am trying to get at is sex should be just that, SEX, not a substitute for something else. if a woman needs a shoulder to cry on when she is sad, and has sex instead, the satisfaction she is getting from sex isn't going to satisfy her need for comfort; if a woman has sex with her husbands best friend because he is out of town and she is lonely, the satisfaction she is getting from sex isn't going to make her feel less lonely and decrease her feeling of abandonment. sex does not solve problems; if sex did solve problems than i'd say this whole entire world would be happy and less problematic. i am hearing more and more people using sex to mask a need that isn't being met, which should be addressed directly and in the proper way. sex, should be just sex; it should be fun, pleasurable and satisfying; and when using sex to fill the void of some other need, i don't see how that can be satisfying because that direct need isn't being met. sex is simple; it's just sex.

: points.

recently i discovered certain aspects of life that i need to address:

1] men don't understand that if they aren't interested in a girl, that ignoring her for a few days WILL blow up in their face; they think that it's all fine and dandy, that the girl isn't going to give a shit; therefore he is selfish because he is only thinking about his feelings in the situation, which also goes to show, HE NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!!! OR YOU! EVER!

2] people are only out for themselves; i always swept that one under the rug. i always had faith that people weren't as selfish as they might have seemed; iiiii was wrong. of course i look out for myself, but i never throw anybody who means something to me under the bus to get something that they have that i want; it's just wrong. people are so twisted.

3] back to men, of course, because what are we here for-to fall in love?..some shit like that right? anyways, i think that men should treat women how they want to be treated. i can't tell you how many times i hear a guy say "i just want a nice girl"..well buddy, hate to break it to ya, but if you're going to be an absolute douchenozzle, i'm 99.9% sure that any nice girl isn't going to put up with your bullshit and WILL call you out on it. so, maybe, try not to be a dick...

4] people complain so much about their shitty relationships; well, again, if it sucks so much, get the fuck out of it. who cares if the guy has money coming out of every hole in his body and who cares if you are going to feel "alone". in the end, aren't you "alone" (emotionally!) in that shitty relationship anyways? come on people..smarten up!!!

5] if any guy tells me that i would "look better with bigger boobs", i am going to tell him that he would "look better with a bigger penis". why don't you go get on that penis pump..it'll do ya good.

6] men are pussies. they don't know how to confront, communicate or be honest with a girl. pussies. i am starting to think that men should have a vagina....

7] treat me like a fool and i will treat you like an even bigger one.

8] i win.

: i don't have "play me" written on my forehead...

interest; "something that concerns, involves, draws the attention of, or arouses the curiosity of a person"...


it stumps my mind when a guy says he is interested in me, yet shows nothing (nor presents "words") that gives me the notion that he really is. when an individual is interested in another person, he or she will take the initiative to show that other person that there is such an interest..right? or am i just crazy? because if i am crazy, say it. but, this is how i see it;

when i am interested in a guy, at first, i'll dabble my feet in the water a little bit; meaning, feel him out and make sure that it's not just a physical attraction (looks can only go so far). i'll start to get to know the guy by communication. ah ha; the key to letting someone know that you're interested and wanting to get to know them, is mainly thru communication (the physical aspect i shouldn't have to go into)..no? the saying "i'm interested in you" only goes so far. without backing that statement up, it means SHIT. if i'm interested in a guy, i will make him aware by simply communicating; letting him know i'm thinking about him, asking him questions about his life, calling, texting, communicating, taking a few seconds out of my busy day to say hello and see how his day is; but not so much that it smothers him, but enough to make him think about me too. so, i do my part, and he says he is still interested, but i don't see any reciprocation, therefore, to me the statement "i'm interested in you" means SHIT.

i want to know why men don't back up their words, why they seem dishonest and perhaps why they use "clever" comments to reel in a girl. i mean, how hard is it to tell a girl "i'm really not interested in YOU per say, i am mainly interested in getting laid by you" or "i'm just not interested in you anymore". is it so hard to be honest? what women really want is an honest guy. so with that being said, to all you men, be fucking honest. don't string these women along with your "clever" comments to just get laid; be clear and honest about what you want from the get-go and then follow up; be a man and stand by your word; and if you're just not into her anymore, be fucking honest and tell her. she isn't going to go cry to her momma, she is going to move on. us women don't like games. and if we wanted games, we'd go play a fucking game of monopoly. so if you're going to play a game, you can go take yourself elsewhere because this girl does not have "play me" written on her forehead.

: blessed..

as i was reading my last post, and the few before that; i realized how blessed i have been. blessed to have been thrown so many curve balls in life to which negative situations arose. but in the end, as i look back, i am so blessed that those curve balls hit my life because then i wouldn't have grown into the person i am today. the person i am today is not the person i was a year ago.

-my mind is stronger, at times i can come off as weak, but i handle things a lot better; -my heart is a bit lighter. i have always been so heartbroken that it felt like a weight was constantly beating up my heart. but now, it's getting lighter and lighter; -i've let go. in the past i could never let things be. i would always dwell and dwell and dwell, but now, i say ta-ta, be gone. for the past is the past and it's in the past for a reason; -my eyes are a bit more clear (not fully, but i'm getting there). for i never saw things the way they were. i would always overanalyze a perfectly good situation and pick it apart to find the "underlying" reason to which it was happening, but i learned that situations arise the way the should and how they should, therefore, i try to see it the way it is;
-and i have been blessed to understand;
understand that i am where i should be in life & i wouldn't change it for the world.

: cut the cord..

i haven't had many relationships that have lasted over 4 months; except for one, 4 years...i think? something like that. anyways, i know so much about relationships (so i have been told) yet i am not successful at them. all day today, instead of doing my homework like a good student, i have been racking my brain for a constant 3 hours; wondering how i could have such knowledge on relationships, yet i suck at them. then, when i said the words "i suck at them", i realized that maybe i am not the one who is sucking (no pun intended; get your head out of the gutter), maybe the guys that i have had relationships with are the ones who are. but knowing that a guy is sucky, why wouldn't i run? ohhh yes, the battle that some of us girls deal with on a constant basis; misery LOVES company (and comfort). being lonely is pretty miserable, and being comfortable is loveable. let me pick apart that chaotic statement for you; for me, i am use to men who treat me less then i deserve; they treat me like shit...but because it's all i have ever known, it's my comfort zone. when i meet a super nice guy, is when i run; because in the back of my mind, i am freaking out because who wants to be out of their comfort zone? not i. so, i am lonely, i stick with the sucky guy who brings the miserable out of me and i LOVE it; i am comfortable and a little less lonely then i was before, so i thought.

ok, so here we go on this one; throw out the physical aspect of every relationship i have had and look at the emotional aspect; emotionally, they've all been lonely as a lost puppy in a cave. wow, it has finally come to me, that in the end i have always been lonely in "those" relationships. once you hit the plato of a relationship regarding the physical aspect, what's left? emotional aspect. but what's left if there is no emotion? nothing. nada. zippo. zero. waste of time.

now i have to cut the cord on "relationships" fast when i see ONE red flag; i usually am attracted to a plethora of red flags because it's what i am use too; but now i have to start setting my standards up, letting my guard down when it's meant to go down and run run run run run when i see that red flag; cutting the cord. cut cut cut cut.