: BREAK MY WALL.

this stupid thought that i have in my head that is causing me to stay up past my "bedtime" is as follows:

every 1.5 seconds there are 2 more lonely people; a break up.
every 1.2 seconds there are 2 more connected people; love.
every 1 second there are 2 more people who are unsure; torn from loving or running.

me; i'm running. iv'e always been a runner. i have always been the girl who fucks things up just to have a break up; because i am so scared of falling in love with someone; the past has guarded me from love and letting my walls down. i find that it could be a blessing in disguise, because i save myself from hurt; but in all reality, perhaps it's a bad thing. a man puts himself out there, gives me all the admiration that any girl would want, but i can't seem to get it thru my head that perhaps this man could be so perfect for me, yet so wrong..but it feels so right. i'm lonely; the city of angels isn't even lonely. i ask myself if this is love; when i can't go a second without thinking about this person; is that love? i don't know what love is because i have never been so deep into a relationship to go thru the "steps" of love and love and live in the moment. so i don't know if what i am experiencing now is love or just the obsessed thought of how i would love the emotion love to be; or maybe i am caught up in the thought of finding love. ah hell, lets be real. i can fall in love with this guy; drop of a hat, in love. but what's stopping me? it's wrong. why would i want to put myself in a potential heartbreaking situation and relive what i have relived many many many of times; heartache. who wants to cry everyday for months and months straight because of a heartbreak. maybe i am not cut out to ever be in love, to ever try and make a relationship work. my wall is up, and i don't know when it will ever be down. i want it to break, i want to go away, but i am scared. fuck. i'm going to be lonely forever if this damn wall stays up. but all i know is that the thought of falling in love with him, is beautiful.

: anxiety's misleading; it's kosher, yet revealing

i was thinking all day today, why i feel so oddly awkward and angry over the many "issues" that i carry with me everyday; such as anxiety being a HUGE part of my daily life. i was thinking, why does anxiety have to be considered an "issue" or a "bad" thing to have?...a song "if tragedy's appealing, then disaster is an addiction" spits out the lyrics "anxiety's misleading; it's kosher, yet revealing"- analyzing...


anxiety is a scary scary thing to go thru; you don't know when your breath will be caught, or when your tears stop; but come to think of it, it's not a bad thing. it reveals what i am scared of, what i am most afraid to do, to think, what situations i don't want to be in, and most of all, it shows that i do have emotions. which i find it so hard now a days to separate my emotions and thoughts; but the way i see it now is that anxiety reveals my emotions; emotions mean so much even if they are so little. the little tiny tear that falls from my eyes because i am in an anxiety causing situation-for example, there is one person i don't ever want to run into, an intense anxiety situation, every time i see something that reminds me of that person; friends, a picture, a stupid saying that individual would say to me all the time to try and "appease" me; is me "running into" him. i get anxious; i want to cry-well, i usually do cry. i often thought that having the anxious feeling about that situation was silly, was stupid; but it's not. it reveals so much; reveals the emotion that certain things will always remind of a specific person, that although i may have let "him" go, i haven't let go of the past and that crying is good; anxiety usually helps me to have a good cry; a good cry reveals so much. so much anger, sadness, happiness-EMOTIONS. what i have been trying to feel for so long, i have felt. feeling the emotions and acting accordingly to them has been progress; going from just thoughts-no emotion, to having thoughts and gaining the emotions that i should be getting from the thoughts, is just; beautiful.

: my heart beats strong for you

as i listen to silence, i suddenly hear and feel my heart beat so strong, so fast, almost like it's going to burst. no thoughts.
is it because my mind isn't racing 20 mph that i can hear and feel my heart? or is it because i'm about to have an anxiety attack?
bring it on anxiety attack, if thats whats going to happen; in the case of an anxiety attack, we battle, and the anxiety usually wins, but i'm going to try real hard to get this mother fucker in and out; it's like a demon that doesn't ever want to go away; that was a bit much comparing a demon to anxiety, but in all honestly, my anxiety attacks are quick and fast, i am a miserable person when anxiety attacks full force; i go from being a sweet angel to some sort of friggin demon woman who wants to punch somebody in the face or maybe punch myself in the face because my heart is beating so fast, tears are rolling down my eyes, i can't breathe, i can't talk; not because i can't literally talk, i just don't want to talk; so i yell. yell pretty loud into my pillow, elevate my blood pressure a bit more. ah, the sounds of my heart beating so fast is unbearable. this sound makes me more anxious and irritated. deep breaths deep breaths; meditation.



meditation; love hate relationship.

after that anxiety attacked, i realized i had one because there was nothing what so ever going on in my brain; i had no single thought. my brain, isn't use to that; i'm not use to that; it scared me. i got scared that i wasn't feeling any emotion anymore because i didn't have a thought. but as i meditated and thought about what could have triggered the anxiety attack, it was simple; no thoughts triggered my anxiety attack. which i'd like to elaborate more on to why no thoughts would be the trigger; i am not one to be happy about being out of my comfort zone. new zones scare me; having no thoughts was a new zone for me, it scared me, which in turn caused me to freak out.now we have another underlying reason for everything under the sun; dani doesn't like being out of her box, once out of her box, all hell will break loose and emotions will come following, and finally, atlas, back in the comfort zone of having a thought and an emotion. comfort zone; emotions, thinking. outside the zone; no thoughts. new zone; anxiety attack along with a side of emotions and thoughts. who wins? the anxiety attack. i'm weak;maybe i need to be blessed for the fact that my mind wasn't racing with thoughts; but it scares me. so weak you can break me.

: circle the drain.

the titles to my blogs are either current feelings, a song i'm listening to, lyrics, or random thoughts. this title, isn't just the name of a song, but a song that i wish i had heard a few months ago. "circle the drain" by katy perry. here are the lyrics:

This is the last time you say
After the last line you break
It's not even a holiday
Nothing to celebrate
You give a hundred reasons why
And you say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for every time
I'd own the bank

Thought that I was the exception
I could reroute your addiction
You could've been the greatest
But you'd rather get wasted

You fall asleep during foreplay
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother
Can't be your Saviour, I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain

You say you have to write your rhymes
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despise
A stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll
But you're really just a joke
Had the world in the palm of your hands
But you fucking choked

Should've been my team mate
Could've changed your fate

You say that you love me
You won't remember in the morning

You fall asleep during foreplay
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother
Can't be your Saviour, I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain


You fall asleep during foreplay
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother
Can't be your Saviour, I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain



the lyrics speak for themselves; addiction. i don't view addiction as only being addicted to just a substance, i actually view addiction as also being addicted to a certain behavior; and not a behavior to which is provoked by substance; addicted to a behavior that can make you choke. such a behavior that can make or break a relationship. a male, who i have let go mentally of recently, was so addicted to a substance that altered his mind completely; it wasn't an illegal substance, but to me, any substance that alters a mind should be illegal. damnit. i lost track of my thoughts- another one came in and took control of the thought i was trying to type- mind of an insomniac.

focus here dani, get on track. not working. meditation at it's finest....

an hour later...the thought is back of what i wanted to write.
here we go;

my point is the fact that i have had so many individuals in my life, especially the male i was talking about earlier, "circle the drain"; as in try to change, preached of change, but choked. choked so hard that i tried to be a savior instead of a lover, and then it all hit me in the face; rude awakening that i can't help someone who doesn't want help. what i learned; if somebody has a trait that doesn't sit well with me, to run, run run run run run. because 9 times out of 10 that person will not change; i can't even begin to explain how many times i have heard the words "i am going to change", and it never happened. i tried, i tried so hard to change that person to better fit my needs and wants; didn't happen. all that happened was a never ending circling of the drain; never ending cycle of horrible behavior towards me that i didn't deserve. after hearing this song, and pertaining it to people in my life who have said they wanted to change, i realized that i'm not a savior, and when somebody says they need to change, in all reality, it won't happen.

: everyone falls.

Underneath the clothes we're wearing
Scars we all carry; some that don't fade.
And they read just like a roadmap.
Time cuts a deep track through skin and vein.

But you know everyone falls sometimes; don't they all?
You know bridges get burned sometimes as we cross.
Don't we all fall?

I've been faking it for so long;
Trying to hold on trying to get by.
It's just so hard getting over the going under
Time after time.

Time calls your name and we're not the same.
Time calls your name and we're all afraid.
Time calls your name and we're not the same.



...in the midst of the night, one of the thoughts that comes to me is if everybody is going thru some sort of crisis; in other words, falling fast to rock bottom. we as individuals often get so wrapped up in our own problems, that i feel sometimes we [i am speaking for everyone] forget that there are other people around us who are fighting a harder battle. "scars we all carry; some that don't fade" really pops out to me; everybody has scars. whether it's internally or externally, we all have them and i happen to believe that they never never never ever go away. no matter how hard you try to get those scars to go away, they don't go away. they might heal, but there will always be that one part of you that is scarred from something that hurt you in the past or present. when somebody says to me "he hurt you; you are scarred, did the scar go away?" i always have the same answer "i am healed. but the scar will always be there; to remind me of what i went thru, and to remind me to never put myself in that hurtful situation again". scars are good, scars show that you are healed; i happen to think that if there is no scar, you were never healed. scars; are part of the healing process; but never say that the memory is gone; yes it can be in the past, and "forgotten" but deep down inside, like a core of an apple, there is a scar, that never goes away.

: the ones that you can't forgive, are the ones you need to let go of the most...

i haven't written in a few days. possibly because i have been at a loss of words; my insomnia is slowly going away, and i have finally come to a speechless mind frame; which is amazing because being speechless means i have no thoughts bouncing from side to side in my brain; PROGRESS PROGRESS PROGRESS. i finally came to the conclusion that some of my thoughts were thoughts that shouldn't have been thought about; people that aren't in my life anymore, that i can't seem to forgive are the ones i need to let go of the most. those people were constantly constantly in my thoughts; thoughts of what went wrong, what did i do wrong, why did he/she treat me like that, why did they do something so harsh to hurt me-- all those thoughts, i finally let go. and with those thoughts i forgave those people. forgiving someone made me content with who i am now; for so long i blamed myself for the reasons why people hurt me. in reality, i never did anything wrong but hate them in the end for hurting me so much; i forgave them finally and i forgave myself for hating them so much.

there was one particular person that i couldn't seem to let go. he was always in my thoughts, yet i would deny the thought of thinking of him. but i let go; finally, after one trigger of an emotional break down the other night-when i was under the influence of adult beverages- i let him go; the one person that i couldn't forgive. through my emotions-crying like i have never cried before- i let that person go, and i will never ever look back. letting go of him has helped me sleep. i have come to the conclusion that letting go of the past was an aspect of my life that needed to happen in order for me to sleep and wake up to the next day; i was living in the past so much that i never wanted to go to sleep because i would have to wake up to a new day; the future. wow. shocking that it took me this long to come to this conclusion. but i am so proud that i finally figured out what i needed to do in order to possibly sleep better and have the want and need to wake up to a new day and not live in the past.

: "beautiful melody when the nights are long..."

a song which reminds me of a time when everything in my life was perfect; i play this song over and over again in the mist of the night when i should be trying to go to sleep. there is something holding me back from hitting the stop button on my ipod. i realize that i don't want to hit the stop button because i want to go back to that moment when everything was so perfect. so perfect that at that moment in time, i believed that not even a single person could ruin it; but in time, that moment was ruined. moments don't ever stay constant. for instance, the moment that i had my first kiss, then to i believed that nothing could ruin the moment; but it was ruined, by time. time ruins moments. it never occurred to me that when time runs out, the moment is ruined, everything that could possibly happen in the future is based on that moment. the future can reflect off of the most perfect moment; everything comes back to that one moment when everything was so perfect; and that moment, the one you are having now, doesn't match up to that perfect moment you had in the past; disappointment. then again, time changes everything; it's never the right time to have a perfect moment with a person who you thought was the love of your life, because for him, it wasn't the right time to fall in love..there we go again, time. time changes every perfect moment.

: i dream to sleep.

sleeping pills.
sleepy time tea.
warm milk.
warm bath.
music.
reading.
lavender scents.
sleep sound machine.
writing.
meditation.
praying.
praying.
praying.

all of thee above-common treatments for insomnia. my break down;

sleeping pills can only do so much for a short period of time- after a while your body rejects them, they don't work because your body is so use to them; so use to the abuse and poison.
natural remedies-not for me; i often wonder if natural remedies worked why there are so many medications out there; wouldn't one want to go all natural rather then put poison in their body?
music- if only every song didn't remind me of someone or something then i think possibly music would help. and yes, i tried just instrumental, but even the sound of a guitar playing makes me think of a certain memory that i can't erase out of my head.
meditation- just started meditation the other day with my therapist; i think this might be a good tactic to tackle; i found that within meditation i focus more. i am in touch with my mind; at that moment of meditation i find myself not thinking about anything else except that specific quote; focus. i can do it. i didn't think i could focus on just one thought; but i did it, and i will continue to do it until no thoughts are in my mind, and i can sleep soundly and peacefully.
praying- often times i question if there is a "higher power" or not; recently, i have never believed in a higher power so much. he is there. he is with me. and i am going to use him as my rock.

update on my sleep; there is no update. i don't sleep. but i put all my faith in my doctor and myself mostly, that sleep will soon come. like i said before; there are benefits to not sleeping....

for now, i will dream to sleep.

: when you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake.

awake; i sit here staring at this blank screen wondering how something can possibly be so blank- as if my mind never goes blank unless i am in a deep thought and another thought carries over to that deep thought, and i loose my train of thought. blank; wondering what that feels like. wondering if my mind goes blank when my head hits the pillow if that will cause a sleep coma or if that will cause me to think even more about how i want my brain to go blank..again, a never ending cycle of questions.

" When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake", from the movie "Fight Club" popped into my mind a few moments ago; there is so much analytical nonsense behind that quote; it can go a few ways, but for me it goes as follows; insomnia knocks the daylights out of you, even if i am awake, which is most of my day to which i am awake, insomnia takes full control of your body and mind; "you're never really awake"...tis true. insomnia can make you either feel like you are or aren't awake; it takes control of the body and mind- makes me realize that often times i am sleep walking thru life, but not all there; not fully awake because my body is abused from exhaustion and my brain is abused from exhaustion of thoughts and lack of sleep, that my body clock has shut down, yet my eyes are still open; i'm not there. it's all a dream. everything is flashing before my eyes and i don't stop to take it all in half the time; because insomnia takes the best of you and throws it down the drain, i don't ever feel awake. i see the tunnel, but no light. i need the light- to feel awake when i need to feel awake and to sleep when i really need to sleep. awake. wake me up. my senses- they need to be triggered. i am awake- right now, but i don't feel awake...

: benefit...nature.

"What is the benefit of insomnia?"

...all day today i thought about the answer to that question. at first, my initial answer to that question would have been that there is no benefit, but then i kept thinking about how tired i always am, and there is a reason to which i make myself NOT sleep; there is a benefit to not sleeping; reality is better then my dreams. usually dreams are better then ones reality, but in my case, I feel as though my dreams constantly pertain aspects in life that I want and can't have, therefore I would much rather not be reminded to what I can't have or what I want, therefore I don't want to sleep; make sense? more then likely not, but it helps me realize a few things when I write it.

Nature: for the past few weeks I haven't been "on earth"...not in touch with my surroundings, more in touch with the racing thoughts that overtake my mind; my brain has been so busy that I haven't had a chance to breathe and take notice of life. I sat under a tree, looked around, and took in everything I could; all my senses were triggered. I finally came back to earth; for 5 minutes of my life within the past few weeks, I didn't have one thought in my brain; it was blank. It was a feeling I haven't had in a long time, and I have to say, it didn't feel right; maybe because I am so use to the chaotic brainwaves, that I didn't know how to react to it. Reaction to nature?....blankness. Reaction to the blankness? Not comfortable. Reaction to feeling uncomfortable?...Thoughts to why I feel uncomfortable. Never ending cycle.