: who i thought you were...

there is nothing more hurtful than a lie; a lie that is told to you and a lie to which a person isn't who you thought they were.

i am a girl of honestly and believe that honestly is what holds every thread together. everything that comes out of my mouth is honest; even if it the most brutal honesty, i will say it. i feel as though honestly is better than a lie, even if the honestly hurts.

i would much rather have a man tell me that he wasn't in love with me than to tell me he was and than pull a wild card on me; as in lie; showing me a whole different side; it's like two personalities and everything about you is a lie.

i have always had a wall in front of me, for this reason; i don't like to be hurt and i don't want to get hurt. i seem to never learn. it took me 3 years to let my wall down gradually due to loosing my high school sweetheart; ever since than i have let people in, gradually, sometimes i get hurt, sometimes i don't, it's life. but i was fairly certain that recently my wall was going allll the way down; i was ready to face any type of relationship. it was time for me to unhide, why be stuck behind a wall forever when i have so much to offer somebody?

to the point, long story short; i let a guy in my life, who i trusted, who i believed in and who i believed was an honest person; recent events showed me that the person who i thought he was, really wasn't him. it's sad. he has so much going for him, yet he had to ruin it with someone who believes in him whole hearted. i often blame myself for these types of things; because i shoulda known, i shoulda known better. but, my new perspective, if i never let me wall down, i wouldn't get a taste of what is really out there; why not take a chance? so i take a chance, and get hurt. thanks for building my wall back up, i missed it.


such a shame.

: " i understand".

i have spilt my heart, thoughts and soul out to many therapists, friends and family members plenty of times.

some therapists used the words "i can see where you're coming from." [bad therapist!]
some friends used the words "i totally understand!"
and some family members used the words "i know what you're going thru."

in all honesty, i think those individuals should have just said "i have no idea what the hell you are going thru", and leave it at that.
it erks me inside when somebody says to me those phrases, because THEY DON'T KNOW what i, he, she or it is going thru, unless they lived it. and none of those people who have ever said those words to me, has ever lived what i have lived thru. i am not saying i have lived thru the worst situations on the planet, but be realistic, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THRU, because, YOU HAVEN'T GONE THRU IT! don't get me wrong, i am fully grateful for individuals who have been there for me, but i'm 110% positive that if you said to me that you had no idea what the hell i was going thru, i really wouldn't mind.

i am always careful to what i say when a person is venting to me. if i have lived thru it, i usually say "from my experience in that type of situation (disclose the situation that is usually the same as their situation)", if i don't understand i say "i don't understand you're situation, but maybe you can tell me more about it" (something like that) and if i don't know what you're going thru, i say "i can't imagine what you're going thru..". it's a little bit of a common sense factor when it comes to this; don't preach what you haven't lived thru, don't make a person feel as though everybody has lived in their situation by using those phrases and don't ever make a person feel like their situation is minimal; i say that because when those words are said to me, i feel as though either;

1) the person who i am disclosing my thoughts too doesn't really care about what i am saying because they aren't really trying to understand. the words "i understand", aren't too helpful and kind of beating around the bush; it should be more like "i don't understand, so let's try to push this under the bus because i really don't know what else to say."
2) the person isn't really in tune with honesty; be honest, you have never lived in my situation, just be honest; i already know you haven't lived thru my situation, so the thought of me knowing you haven't lived thru it and knowing that you haven't and you are sitting there to my face telling me you understand, makes you look like a lying idiot; i don't normally judge, buuuuut perhaps in this case i do. you are an idiot for thinking that your lies would settle with me as the truth.
3) the person is speechless and has nothing better to say than those famous phrases. (yes, speechless is a sense of awe; but why waste your words?)

oh my list is just endless, but perhaps this list really isn't important; what is important is that whenever you tell somebody your story and they say they understand; they really don't, unless they have lived thru it.

: better days

i have noticed lately, that sleeping has been an option; because i am finally making it an option.


previously, i saw an advantage to not sleeping, but now, i finally see the bigger picture; why there is an advantage TO sleep. i find myself more and more looking forward to my days ahead; where as a few months ago, even a week or so ago, i never wanted to sleep because i didn't want the next day to come due to the fact that i wasn't ever looking forward to it. now, i have many reasons why i can look forward to my days. my days have recently been up to par with my meaning of a "good day";

i find myself dealing with curve balls a lot better, i smile for no reason (smiling use to be my worst enemy a few months ago), i am less prone to wanting to punch somebody in the face, i have finally let down my man hating wall a little bit and am finally feeling alright with the fact that i have to live to get hurt in order to feel what love is (get it? read into it a bit more), i finally see that the past is the past, and am slowly but surely (key word, SLOWLY) letting it all go smoothly into my jar of memories that i won't open until i am content fully with the past, i thank god everyday for what he has given me and what he has thrown at me; because it made me a better person in the end, i came to terms with the fact that i may not be perfect to you, but i am to me. i could go on and on and disclose why my days are up to par with my meaning of a good day, but that might open up a whole new can of worms; and i feel as though worms don't need to be appearing in any of my writings anytime soon. i am trying to stay focused on one topic, and move on to the next. none of this mumbo jumbo crazy talk anymore; i have learned how to focus on my feelings and ramble on about that ONE thought or feeling.

i am about to ramble..

focus.
breathe.
focus.

back to where i should be. my days are better, my sleeping is better, and my life is better; i finally am to the point where i am almost content with everything in my life, and i am going to keep on trucking until my life is where i want it; i won't stop until my missing puzzle piece is found (read into it).

: the choices you made are the reason why you are here...

at the end of the night, i question to why am i here; the position i am in, the situations i am in and literally, why am i here?
there is a reason for everything i believe, but sometimes i get impatient because i want to know the reasons right away; which in time i know the reasons, but not knowing right now, sucks. that's where patience comes in. it's a virtue that i chose to live by. in time, my patience will diminish because i eventually find the reasons to why things happen the way they do.

and for every question i have ever asked about why this is happening, why i am here, why am i not there? is the same answer i am the one who controls the outcomes of all situations in my life; there is no such thing as "it happened for a reason", but there is such a thing called "it happened because of you". you put yourself in situations, you get out of situations. you move on from those situations to which you learned from and hopefully realize that the choices you previously made are the reasons why you are here.

a little bit of disclosing will be taking place right about...now;

i recently struggled with a few set backs in life, which caused me to start drinking a littttle bit more than i should have been, mainly to numb the feeling of what i was going thru. i then found myself getting a bit outta hand on the weekends with my girlfriends, which ended up me having no money, and no recollection of the night. i was at a loss of words and i felt like i let down myself down because i am working in a field where i am to teach coping skills, and i myself should have been aware of the coping skills that are out there to help me cope; but i took a different route and just wanted to feel numb. i didn't think that a few drinks would lead to anything but a bad hangover. but it was more than just a bad hangover; it was bad. bad for me to use alcohol as a coping skill to make me numb from what i was trying not to feel. after a while, i kept asking myself how i got to this point. i kept blaming it literally on the alcohol, but then i realized that i am the one who got myself here and now i am the one who has to get myself out. to get myself out, i had to stop drinking. i had to start feeling the grief process without any mind altering substance and i also had to learn how to cope with my life without any alcohol. i took all of that, all of those things that needed to be done in order for me to get out of the drain i was in; and i did it. i stopped drinking, felt the pain, felt the sorrow, and felt the happiness after all those emotions were gone. i felt. i wasn't numb anymore. being numb was me running away from my problems; but facing my problems was the best thing i could have done in a long time. facing them, dealing with them, coping with them properly, was breathtaking. i was finally at ease knowing that i don't need a mind altering substance to numb me; because i don't need to be numbed. i need to feel. feel the pain, feel the sorrow, and love every minute of those feelings because those feelings made me who i am today, made the choices i made today, and those choices in turn are the reason why i am here today.


always remember that the choices you made are the reason why you are here.

: a puzzle.

i'm no different than any of you.
i have thoughts, feelings and emotions.


have you ever wondered how you are going to act on certain thoughts, feelings or emotions? i always do; sometimes it turns out wrong, but most of the time it turns out just right; which isn't perfect, and i am content with that. i have gone my whole life wanting everything to be perfect, but in time, i figured out that nothing is perfect; not even the most beautiful man is perfect. there is always a flaw. no matter how hard i tried and tried to get something perfect, it was never just..perfect. but i often wonder who really defined "perfect"? i guess i realized it's ones own perception of what "perfect" really is, but for so long i thought that the idea of perfect was what i learned from society; physically- model type. mentally-stable. intelligence- high. i always tried to live up to those traits of what society portrayed as being perfect; i never was the model type, but tried to be. i was always stable, but once i was unstable, a problem changed me, i put myself down. i always got the "A's", but i'm book smart, not street smart; and common sense intelligence is what gets us individuals by now a days. i forever tried to be perfect for my peers, but never tried to be perfect for myself. i always felt judged; if i did something "wrong", yet who defines wrong?, i would get angry at myself and felt like nobody would accept me. it took me so long to realize that i am living life for me and not for other people. that is actually why i am writing bits and pieces of my story; because i no longer feel judged; everything i do is just right. it fits. the acts to which my actions, emotions, and thoughts condone i feel as though are "my perfect"; nobody else's perfect, just mine. my perfect is defined as something being just right. it fits, like a puzzle piece; puzzle pieces aren't so straight, they are curvy, have ridges on them, but yet they fit just right with all the other pieces. my puzzle is my life; and my life fits just right.

: i hope you read this...

there is only ONE person i would like to read this, and i hope she does read this; and i know when she reads it, if she does, she will know it's to her;

remember when we met? right off the bat we hit it off like we knew each other in a past life. a drunken night turned into a few more which in turn, turned into lunch dates, movies dates, dinner dates, all those friendship date things that gals seem to go on. and then, it turned into a beautiful friendship to which i could trust you with everything i had in me and a day never went by when you weren't there for me. we were inseparable for as long as i could remember; every weekend was me driving from my parents house going to your house; and then the weekend was complete because it was just you and i & the nights we never seemed to remember. within those nights of not remembering, it eventually would come to us. what i found was the most positive aspect of our friendship was that there was no judgement on the actions we made or decisions we made; and it's hard now a days to find a friend who doesn't judge what you do; and that's what i loved about our friendship. i never had to walk on eggshells; there was no effort put into our friendship, which is how a friendship should be; free and easy. moving away from you was hard; you were my rock for so long, and in the back of my mind i knew that we weren't going to be as close as we were before because of the distance and because i was starting a whole new life to which could interfere with my relationship with you. it was good, for the first few months of being away from home, we were able to visit each other a lot, even if it was for a day or two, we still got to see each other. i then noticed that things back home weren't going as they were when i left. people changed, and in tern, you changed. i am not saying that i didn't change, because i did; i grew as a person. i wish that because we were physically distant that it didn't effect us, but it did, we grew distant from one another and it kills me inside everyday knowing that i lost one of my best friends because of something i am not even aware of; i just wonder how we grew so apart? there isn't a day that goes by that you aren't in my mind. i constantly think about you and worry; and pray that you are happy as ever. if you're reading this, know that i miss you so dearly and hope that one day we can get back to where we left off...


love you,
d girl

: don't shut.

as i am listening to a new song by maroon 5, titled "no curtain call", i realize my life is exactly like the song; or somewhat pertains to how i am at times;

You say you need someone
But everybody does
I'm no different than you
I just believe what I do

You point your finger at
Everyone but yourself
And blame the ones that you love
Who're only try'n to help


As it's winding down to zero
I am yours like a hero
I'll see this through
There's so much me and you
Take this enemy together
Fight these demons off forever forever forever forever

5,4,3,2,1 I won't stop until it's done
No curtain call,I will not fall
This may be the one we've been waiting for
No curtain call,just take it all

I have no time for fear
Or people in my ear
Head down and running so fast
Try not to dwell on the past

I'm fighting through this pain
And things I cannot change
Running right into the flame
Rather than running away

Sweat drips down from every angle
Love your body as it gathers in a pool by your feet
You turn up the heat
tossin and turnin, you cannot sleep
Quietly weep,your in too deep


i am the girl; who has no time for people in my ear- to tell me what to do, what to think, how to act and how to get over it.

i am the girl; who does run right into the flame instead of running the other way- because fear doesn't scare me; i would much rather run into the ring of fire to learn the hard way, then to never had taken the chance and learn nothing except the fact that i should have taken the chance.

i am the girl; who tosses and turns in bed at night because i am crying over something that is too deep; crying is the only way for me to cope with the feeling of being in to deep.

i am the girl; who will always be there for you.

: waves crash.

xdcfgvhbkjn kjbgfdyxg jlknbhjgvcftfugvhbjlnk;m njbhvgcftfgh j


that is how my brain is right now.
dfkghdfkghdfkgjhdfkgjhdkfghdkfjghdkjgh.
all over the place.
rapid rapid rapid movement.
thoughts going in and out in and out in and out.
so much to do; so little time.
my brain wont turn off for a split second.
1...
2...
3...
nope, not turning off.
what the fuck meditation, thinking chair, everything else under the sun that i have used to cope with my racing thoughts; WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING TODAY???
out of all days, a monday, when i start my week; suppose to start off with a clear mind and a mind that is focused, and all my coping skills aren't working.
gosh damnit mother fuckfuckfuckfuck.
i hope the fuck word doesn't offend anybody who is reading this; i apologize.


i am feeling overwhelmed by the thoughts of tomorrow;
-finishing up a massive shit ton of idiotic useless homework.
-waking up early-not like i sleep much, but when i do have to wake up is when i usually am about to fall asleep.
-trying to get to personal stuff done like ugh fitting a therapy session somewhere in between interning, homework and work.
- leaving my doggie home alone all day tomorrow really makes me sad.
- knowing that tomorrow is going to suck up an ass ton of energy from me makes me want to NOTTTTT go to sleep because i don't want tomorrow to come; but what the hell, it's going to come and i am going to have to put my adult panties on and fucking deal with it like a champ.
-waesgbfhjdgsgjnfnkjigr3nkreopghroebkgjreg;trnk; that right there, is exactly how my brain is going to be during the corse of the next few days; i think i spelt corse wrong, but honestly, who is checking my grammar on this? are you? didn't think so.


what i learned today:
- that no matter how high i build my wall and try to keep people out, i have to eventually take it down in order to let the potential "good" people in.
- that i adore adore adore helping people; but for someone reason i don't adore helping myself.
- thatttttttttttttttt no matter how hard i try to have a calm brain, sometimes there needs to be chaos in order for me to function.

goal for tomorrow;
- to not punch someone in the face.
- to take one step at a time and realize that things need to be done when they need to be done and i need to follow thru with what needs to be done in order to get whatever other shit that needs to be done, DONE. [that was a really long sentence with a lot of NEEDS in there].
- not think about the past.
- think only about the present.
- smile at a stranger even if i feel like i want to scream.
- eat a meal besides cheezits.
-huggest goal for tomorrow is: drum role please...


drumdrumdrumdrum....



to love every minute of my day; for whatever reason that it might suck, it's meant to suck, and the only thing i can do to change the suckiness is to think of the positive; thinking positive produces love; love love love love.

: LEAVE ME ALONE!

after seeing a therapist, a sleep doctor and my professor (who is a doctor) today, i am overwhelmed by the thought of someone analyzing me, picking my brain, trying to figure out why i am the way i am, trying to help me and smartening me up. it's bad enough that i go about my days "analyzing" other people (and myself) because "it's my job" (that i don't get paid for). it just has been on my mind all day how overwhelmed i feel today about getting my brain picked; yes, i adore all the people that are trying to help me, they work some wonders on me; but i think that maybe i am getting irritated by the fact that i want to be "fixed" NOW! not tomorrow, not a week from now.. one word; N O W!!


i was really irritated today. sometimes i don't feel like talking; i just want to be quite when someone talks my ear off, when someone asks me a question, when i am sitting in therapy...but i feel like if i am too quite, someone will asks me "what's wrong?"; and to me, the phrase "what's wrong?" is so overwhelming. why can't i just be quite? why does something always have to be wrong with me when i don't say a word?? perhaps it's because everyone is use to me being bubbly all the time? god forbid dani is quite. assumption is what is called; dani doesn't talk, there is "something wrong with her". dani doesn't smile, "she's sad". dani doesn't participate in class, "she isn't paying attention". dani doesn't text me back, "she's not ok." maybe this is why i do the things i do;

no talking- i just don't want to talk.
i don't smile- i just don't see a reason to smile 24/7 like a fucking clown.
i don't speak up in class- everybody else asks the dumb questions that take up time; so why am i going to take up time asking my smart questions?
i don't text you back- i am busy, my phone isn't with me, my phone is off; or perhaps, I JUST DON'T WANT TO TALK!


there is a little list of why i do the things i do, or don't do the things that you want me to do. common sense. next time someone asks you whats wrong, or why you are doing something that pisses them off i suggest you say the following;

"i thank you for asking me what is wrong. for i see that i am not being 'myself'. but, i would appreciate it if you'd stop assuming that something is wrong because i am not________(fill in blank with what you aren't doing that is pissing them off). it's nothing you did, it just how i feel; and right now, i'd appreciate it if you'd shut the fuck up and mind your own business."

all set.
good to go.
peace.

: for once...

for once,
i have no comment.





& having no comment isn't good in my book.

: do you really care?

i often wonder if people;

ask how you are and what is wrong because they are nosey?
or
ask how you are and what is wrong because they genuinely care?


my guess is that it's 80% of people are nosey and the other % really care; because that other small % of people are usually the people who are really close to you. i know that for me, honesty, i am about 90-10. 90% of me cares and 10% of me has to be nosey in order to get the answers. but to tell you the truth, nobody gives a flying fuck how you really are. do you think that half the people you associate with really care about how you are? no. i can't tell you how many times i have been so low SO low that the person i try to reach out too isn't there; because they are so wrapped up in their life, which shows me that they just don't give a fuck.

a few months ago, i was dealing with a serious health problem; a few great friends weren't physically there for me, but were here and there for me when i needed them; which was great. i don't expect people to drop everything for me. there was a man in my life at the time who said he would be there and see me through everything i was going through; he was selfish. do you think he followed thru with any of what he said? no. because he didn't give a fuck. but there i am, sitting there wondering if he is ok, like a pathetic girl; because I CARED about him; when i should have been selfish just like him and focused on me. but i didn't. worst mistake of my life focusing on someone who doesn't give a flying shit about me and wasting all of my heart and thoughts on his well being. no matter how hard someone hurts me, i still will care for them down the road. but why? why should i waste my good heart on a piece of shit human being who is so selfish? because i am a girl who apparently needs some learning to do in the department of "don't associate with people who have their head stuck up their ass". i also look back at a time when the same thing happened and my best friend of 34309483094809438 years totally peaced out on me when i really needed her the most; she got married, her husband was a baseball player. i got dumped by my high school sweetheart; and she was nowhere to be found. i haven't talked to her since then. i often wonder if i will ever run into these selfish individuals in the near future; and if i do, i will politely give them a sweet toast and raise my middle finger. if they are lucky they might get the whole punch poured on them; a little taste of what my fist can do wouldn't hurt.

see how angry i get when these thoughts come up?? i just keep them going like butter sliding down the corn on the cob. once i start thinking about one thing, it goes to the next and the next and the next. then boom, i can't sleep because i have all these damn thoughts forming and running into each other that my brain is like a train track. piecing all the tracks together to try and make one story and one thought; but it never happens like that. my brain is falling off the tracks. all the thoughts are going crazy; and sooner or later these thoughts are going to lead to an explosion of anxiety. FUCK. why can't i stop thinking?? i sat in my thinking chair and i thought i was doing fine until a song came on that triggered the thought of caring or not caring, and then a convo i was having with my friend triggered it, and then bam, here i am getting pissed off at the ones who pissed me off. i have the right to be pissed. i have the right to say FUCK YOU [i wish you could read this] and i have the right to be mad. to be mad because everything you said was a lie. "i will always be there for you" LIE "no matter what, we will always be friends". LIE! LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE. don't say something if you don't think you can follow thru with it. because that gets someones hopes up. and in my case, my hopes were so up. i would wait by the phone hoping for a call, and it never came. everything leads to disappointment. i try so hard to make other people happy that i forget how to make myself happy; which i do now know that to make me happy is to not put the people who don't give a fuck about me the time of day in my brain. they shouldn't even be thought about. IF THEY DON'T CARE, THEN WHY SHOULD I. fuck the bastards that brought me down; to the person that took down my walls that i forever built so high so nobody would ever hurt me, FUCK YOU for ripping down my walls and then ripping down my heart. mainly, FUCK YOU for giving me hope.


anger.
anger.
anger.
anger.

anger.


do you really care? or are you just nosey?...to the person reading this [whoever you are] i hope you care. because i care.

: they all say that i've gone crazy; i say i'm just a normal type of crazy.

who defined "crazy"?


i have told myself that i am crazy for the past year- because my life isn't the same as individuals around me; depression, insomnia, anxiety, different coping mechanisms for my depression and anxiety; a lot of the people i associate with, don't have any of those issues (unless i am unaware of them) and because i am going through it, i have defined myself crazy for so long. but i have been thinking who defined crazy? who literally said it was crazy to go through life a different way then others?

society has such a high standard for being "normal" that if an individual goes off the track for one split second, that person is usually known as "crazy", or some form of crazy, or as simple as i can put it; a failure. but i don't see going off the tracks as failing, i see it as learning.

there is not a day that goes by that i wish i didn't go through have of the bullshit that i have gone through because i often have been ashamed of the fact that i need to see a therapist and a sleep doctor every week, that i have to take medication for anxiety and depression, and sometimes i have to take medication to sleep; but the way i see it NOW, is that if i didn't seek help, go through all of the bullshit, i wouldn't have been able to learn what life is all about; which is generally LIFE. i am not ashamed anymore that i have "problems"; don't we all? i am proud. i am proud that i have sought help; who want's to go through any of this alone? not i. my worst and most shittiest situations have taught me how to live; but mostly, the shittiest situations have made me who i am today; a strong woman. yes, i am getting my masters in social work to be a therapist one day- i often use to think that i would never be a good therapist due to the fact that i have "problems"; but in reality, getting therapy is the only way that i will really learn how to therapize (not a real word, but it's MY word) another person; i will be able to relate, be compassionate, and have a heart. i am proud. i am not ashamed. i will never look back at these moments that made me want to go insane; they all made me who i am. and i am, a woman who is strong.


don't ever watch someone go down; try to help them.
but always remember you can't help an individual who doesn't want help.
you will always become what you despise if you don't change.
if you don't want to change; you'll choke.
choke; you'll fall harder.
breathe; take a chance; change.
always love; for who you love and what you love will make you love yourself more.
be a fighter; fight for what you want and deserve-don't settle.
always, always, ALWAYS, believe that the past and present makes your future.

: spoke the truth; i wished i could do it & i did.

a day of truth, confidence, courage & coming to terms with something i have kept secret for so long.
i'm unsure when i will ever disclose this information in my writings, but all i can say is that what i did today, was thee most courageous thing i have ever done in my life; never thought coming to terms with something that could make or break me would be so hard, yet so easy all at the same time; it was refreshing to know that i can finally let the rain fall down, the floodgates open and set myself up for a rainbow; because coming to terms with something to me is running into a huge rainbow after the rain falls. when the rain falls it's horrid, but after it falls, there is always a rainbow.

my thought process has been all over the place lately; but today, my sleep doctor told me to dedicate a certain time and certain place for any and all of my thinking that isn't pertaining to any certain situation that i am in. i now have a thinking chair; yes, like a thinking cap, but a chair. every night from now on, a half hour "before bed", i am going to sit in this chair, and write down every thought i had throughout the day and that moment in time; i will wait for my thinking chair time to think and let my mind race; other then that time, i will not allow my thoughts to get in the way of my daily life; racing thoughts ruin moments that should be embraced. if i have a thought throughout the day that i want to race race race in my mind, i will write down on a piece of paper some sort of reminder of the thought, and look back at that thought ONLY when i am in my thinking chair. perfection at it's finest if you ask me; who would have thought that a designated time to "think" would really work; first day trying and first day successful. i think this little project will finally help my mind at ease before bed so i can finally have a peaceful somber.

: the only reason why insomnia exists is because you think you can't sleep.

i was talking with a friend of mine; and i told her to get some rest. she said she couldn't because she had insomnia.
now, of course, i'm no expert on insomnia; because if i was i'd sleep. but i then told her that the reason why she has insomnia is because she thinks she can't sleep; for whatever underlying reasons why she can't seem to sleep i am unsure of. but at that moment when i told her that, i realized that it could be true. maybe part of my anxiety is that i won't be able to sleep, therefore i don't sleep. maybe it's all in my head and there is no valid reason to why i can't sleep.

ramble time:

i see my sleep doctor tomorrow; good good good, but bad all at the same time. bad because i wish i was never in the position to see a sleep doctor in the first place. good good good because he helps me realize things i never would be able to realize on my own. do i take his advice? most of the time i do for a while, then i just get back into my old habits; something i need to work on. it takes time; time runs out. but one day i will get where i need to be.

thoughts on the thoughts i am having now:

i am thinking what someone told me today; a very smart intelligent man told me that i need to take care of myself before others, which i agree fully with, but in the field i am in; social work, how could i possibly try to take care of myself before people in need? everybody is fighting a harder battle then i am, and i just want to help each person that i come in contact with who needs it; go above and beyond to help them. when in all reality, i should always try to help myself first. don't get me wrong, insomnia with a form of depression and anxiety added to it is a serious problem that i have to go through throughout my daily life, but come on, there are more serious cases out there that need help; and i would much rather "go to bed" knowing that i helped someone and changed a persons life rather then "go to bed" knowing that i was selfish and helped myself first. i just can't seem to be selfish. i could careless about how many hours of sleep i didn't get or how many times a day i cry and why i cried, i just care about the person who is in front of me who needs someone to help them get out of the gutter and see the sky.

ramble..nonsense time AGAIN:

this stupid little pill called "ambien" is sitting here looking at me saying "swallow me swallow me you need to sleep", but fuck, i don't want to take it; my body is already tormented by the physical abuse of no sleep, gym, not eating well, always on the go, stupid happy pills- and now and then a cocktail or too, so i can sometimes sleep; why do i have to take something else that is going to ruin my body?..i know it will help me sleep, but why can't i just have a natural sleep pattern without any form of medication?...normal people sleep; maybe i am not normal? oh hell, i am normal. we all are normal. but who and what defined normal?..who fucking distinguished the difference between abnormal and normal?...hell, i learned that today in my psychopathology class, but to be honest, it went in one ear and out the other; why you ask?..because i didn't agree with any of it. i believe that we all have different behaviors that classify us as "abnormal" to society, but in all reality, we are all normal because we all have different ways of living; the way i live can be different from the way you live, so you'd more then likely call that abnormal right? ...nope, it's NORMAL to be different. it's normal to deal with things differently then most people. it's normal to be a human being with feelings and emotions; so the next time you are diagnosed with depression because you have been crying for months everyday, all day, know that you aren't abnormal; it's normal to have feelings and emotions that are caused by outside factors of life; you're not crazy. you are normal. you are a human being.



stop trying to live your life for other people and live your life for yourself.
do what makes you happy and do what makes you feel right.
who cares what other people think.
who cares who isn't there for you anymore; they were never your friends anyway.
love the person who loves you back; and hate the person who never loved you back.
don't live a lie; this is your one life.
get lost, and find your way back; you'll learn from the path you took to get back home.
cry if you want to cry; laugh even if it's inappropriate.
you are a human being; and you are entitled to the feelings you have and the behaviors you do.
live learn love.